Today I enter my 41st year on this earth.
At 7:41am central time on September 25, 1965 I made my grand entrance into this world. My dad was in Vietnam. My oldest sister was off at college. And my mom had been in the hospital for several days, since I had threatened to come during Wednesday night Bible study (my mom, Chaplain’s wife to the core, refused to leave until Bible study was over), but changed my mind shortly thereafter.
That’s a pattern I continued all through my life, changing my mind. Frequently and often. Though not many people really know that. I tend to think a lot before I speak, which generally helps. Though it has been my downfall from time-to-time. But I digress.
It’s kinda funny, really. I used to look at the "40s" as being old. But I don’t feel old. I still feel like a freshman in high school, all geeky and goofy-looking but like I’ve got the world by the… well… and my whole life is in front of me.
I still feel that way. Well, except for the last part. I don’t feel like I’ve got my "whole" life in front of me anymore. I feel like it’s mostly behind me. Whether that’s really true or not is yet to be determined.
Ah, the dreams I had of where I would be, who I would be, by the time I was in my 40s. And how far I am from any of them! In my early 30s I was convinced that by the time I was 41 I would be married, with at least one or two children. I’d be living in LA, a stay-at-home mom with a big house and a dog or two. My husband would be a doctor, or a writer-producer (told you I changed my mind often). By the time I reached my late thirties, I was thinking more of marrying another missionary, or someone in ministry somewhere. But the kids thing was still very much in the dream.
In my late 20s I definitely saw myself as married long before I turned 40, with a husband/writing partner on a successful television show — and three or four kids running around too.
In my late teens early 20s I couldn’t even conceive of my 40s — but I know the dream was to be married with six kids, and several Grammys, Oscars and Tonys decorating my mantles around my huge home in Malibu. I still believed I could be Olivia Newton-John, Patti LuPone and Debbie Reynolds all rolled into one.
My, how different my life turned out. Not that I’m complaining. Those were nice dreams. But that’s all they were. Dreams. Fantasies. Real Life is so much different. And, for the most part, so much better.
41. No kids. No husband. No boyfriend. No big house. No shiny awards. I’m not even working in entertainment anymore (unless this blog counts as "entertainment"; if so, I’m grossly underpaid and need to unionize NOW).
I’m extremely grateful to God for unrealized dreams. Not that kids and husbands and big houses and awards aren’t great to have (or want). It’s just that I look around at my life and I’m satisfied. I like where I am at this moment. I don’t want to stay here forever, but I like it for right now. I’m grateful I don’t have children. More for them than for me. I look at who I was back then, even just two or three years ago, and I know I would have inflicted much pain and brokenness on their young hearts and minds. Not that I won’t still should God create a new miracle and give me a child in my "old age". But I’ve learned so much about who am really am, in God’s eyes, and what really matters, that I think the damage I’ll inflict will be much, much less than it would have been had I had those six children in my 20s that I dreamed of and so longed for.
And while having a husband, a partner, to share my life with would truly be a blessing, I’m so grateful he’s not in my life yet. I couldn’t be the wife and partner and lover he deserves, not then, and perhaps not even yet. I’m still dealing with some stuff that needs to be resolved, needs healing, before I’ll be there.
And truthfully, I really love being single. I couldn’t always say that. I don’t know that I could ever really say that and have it be the truth. I know I wanted to believe I was happy being single, but the truth is that I spent most of my adult years dreaming and fantasizing of my "knight in shining armor," rather than living the life in front of me. I didn’t really give myself the chance to be single, in body, spirit and mind because my mind and spirit were always elsewhere, pining to be married.
(Boy does my grammar suck in this post — I just started two paragraphs with "And" and I have no desire, or ideas how, to change it. I’m either getting old in my head too, or getting more rebellious — yeah, probably both.)
While I miss my friends in Hollywood, and I miss working on the Paramount lot especially, I don’t miss the constant popularity contest of that world. I don’t miss feeling like I was perpetually back in high school and was once again not in the in crowd, but desperately wanting to be. The corporate world of health care (is there another industry in which to work in Nashville, besides music??) is just as filled with politics — which, if Friday is any indication, I’m completely failing at still; but that’s another story — but it isn’t as high school-ish as Hollywood is. And the politics are easier to ignore, because, unlike television, sometimes what we are dealing with really is life-and-death-brain-surgery stuff.
I’m so grateful I didn’t realize those dreams of success in the Industry, of Grammys and Oscars and Tonys. Can you imagine? None of that success, none of those awards would have made a difference in who I really am, down inside, and how broken I was and still am. It just would have made it that much harder to admit my brokenness and need for redemption and transformation at the deep level God has provided.
Had all those dreams been realized, I would not be able to live the life I have now. No, it’s not a perfect life. I will probably spend my birthday evening alone (plans fell through late last night) catching up on my TiVo’s activities after a day filled with budget frustrations and constantly changing numbers at work. My dreams for a hybrid car and a couple acres of land to call my own still elude me. My longing for a life partner is still unmet. My Weight Watchers plans all went to crap this week and the only present I’ll probably get today will be the iPod I’m planning to buy myself after work tonight.
But you know what? I still have an awesome life. I have this wonderful little place that
is all my own. A place where I feel safe, not just physically but emotionally. I didn’t realize that I’d never really felt that before; not until recently. I’m a safe person for me to be alone with — I’ve never been that before. Too much self-beating and emotional self-abuse.
I have a wonderful little car, a complete gift from God! I have family and friends who love me (even though most are a couple thousand miles away), a God who adores me and a few dear friends who truly believe in me.
Most of all, I’m finally discovering who I really am. For the first time I’m finally truly delving into all the parts of me I so carefully avoided for fear of offending someone I loved and losing their love and I’m staring it all down, studying me from every angle and learning who and what I am, from the inside out. Perhaps that’s really my birthday gift this year: Me.
This is the best new show I’ve seen in a looooong time. It is a must see and a must keep on the air. God pless Tommy Schlamme and Aaron Sorkin for their creative genius and their hutzpah.
The female president seems to me to be a very obvious hat tip to Jamie Tarses — a ballsy but excellent network president of ABC until 1999. She was known as a tough, volatile, yet incredibly creative and insightful executive, writer-friendly but also uncompromising in a pursuit of excellence. The character’s name is even similar, Jordan.
The writing on Studio 60 is excellent, as is the casting, the acting and the production. There are probably some Industry in-jokes that those outside the Industry won’t get, but overall I think it will appeal to most. They even have an unflinchingly, unapologizingly normal Christian character, rather than succumbing to the tired Hollywood cliches of a rabid, prejudice, stupid Christian caricature.
It’s a promising start. One on which I believe, based on Schlamme’s and Sorkin’s track record, they can deliver on a weekly basis. Unless, of course, they fall victim to the same network creative hacking as the fictional "Studio 60" did in the pilot.
Speaking of Much Ado About Nothing… To have a man act like this over me, that would definitely be a dream come true.
Sorry for the language but it’s the only thing that fits my mood for the day. I was in a nasty snit all day and I really have no rational reason why.
I only know it started early this morning, perhaps when TiVo was trying to record something random for the umpteen millionth time when all I wanted was to watch GMA. It grew when I once again couldn’t lock my front door with my key because the lock is too stiff (guess it needs WD-40??) forcing me to lock it from the inside, go through the back door and lock that then walk through the wet grass (it rained early this morning) to get to my car. And it exploded fully with all the idiots on the road this morning who insisted on doing 10 mph in front of me down every road I went even though there was no traffic in front of them and the speed limit was 40+. Aaaauuugghhh!
My Royal Bitch Mode (RBM) continued unabated throughout work, as my boss found nit-picky errors in the formatting of the Budget Directives I was desperately trying to get out to our IT department for web publication. Poor man had to put up with me snapping and being utterly snarky at every turn.
The RBM kept its strong hold on me as I drove home, once again behind people going 10
mph down 35mph+ streets all because a few rain drops dared to fall on their cars. All the way to the grocery store I spewed forth words that would make a sailor blush.
It didn’t get any better as I walked the isles of Publix wracking my brain for all the
things I needed to get (forgot to write a list), looking in vain for several items I really wanted to get and never found and failing miserably at avoiding all the children and haggard mothers creating chaos in every isle.
I know I was a complete and total bitch all day. I tried not to let it take me completely down, but the RB inside pinned me to the floor and took over in spite of my every effort. And no matter what I tried I could not get rid of the ‘tude and act like a lady.
I didn’t deserve any reward, but I gave myself one anyway — I guess for just surviving the day without killing anyone. I treated myself to something I haven’t had in nearly four months, a Starbucks iced chai latte (I broke the caffeine habit at the end of May). It tastes wonderful, and took the edge of the RB. Now that I’m safe at home and in my comfort clothes and watching my TiVo-recorded shows, the RB is calming down — 
perhaps even getting sleepy.
Sometimes its a pain to be a woman — the hormones and emotions just boiling over and spilling out everywhere. It can be overwhelming. I don’t know if this was just hormones, or perhaps a side-effect from the tapering off of my antidepressants (I cut my current dosage in half last week in an effort — and under my doctor’s supervision, btw — to get off the antidepressants all together, taking at least a month or more to do so), or whether the RBM was just due to being so tired after a long and exhausting weekend, allowing emotions to flow more freely and without my usual filters.
It was all just so exhausting, keeping pace with the RB. She, or rather I — because it really is me, just a part of me I don’t like so much — can be a raging lunatic when I’m in that mode. It’s embarrassing, and yet I just did not have the energy today to fight it
off.
Do men have to deal this this kind of stuff? Do you guys find yourselves struggling with
your emotions, or with bad attitudes — days when you are just a "bitch" for lack of a better word? I know my gay friends would have their bitchy days, but then again, they are more in tune with their feminine side than the average man.
What is it with us women, that we have such emotional spill-age??
Sheesh. What a day. I pity the people who found themselves in my path today. All I gotta say is, I’m so glad the day is over and I hope I don’t have a repeat tomorrow (and yeah, I’m in an Emma Thompson/Much Ado About Nothing sort of mood).
Most of my pictures from the weekend are on Kat’s computer. She’s editing/touching up our pictures from the charity event and will send them to me on a disc as soon as she’s done. In the meantime, here’s a photo I took Friday night, when we arrived around dusk at the lake. Kat spent a little time putting a couple of filters on it and, voila – here’s the result.
We make a good team, Kat and I, don’t we!
I drove down to Atlanta Thursday night to help a couple of friends with a charity event. Even though it was rather exhausting, I had a blast! It was great to see my LA friend Kat, and our Atlanta friend Jenn, neither of whom I hadn’t seen since last year’s boat show in Alabama.
Kat and I stayed up till the wee hours of Friday morning (4:30 to be exact) talking about deep things. And then spent the hour and a half drive up to Lake Oconee. We had a lot to say! 🙂
My friend Jenn and her dad started this boat ride charity event for children with the Brain Tumor Foundation, Make a Wish and Startlite Foundation several years ago. Her dad died last year and Jenn recruited Kat and this year Kat recruited me.
The event was held at a wonderful little lakeside resort and all the kids had a great time taking rides on the Chris Craft boats and eating hot dogs and hamburgers. Despite three boats breaking down at the same time, the event came off without a hitch. Kat and I spent the day taking tons pictures and printing some out for each of the kids to take home as a remembrance for the day of fun in their otherwise pain-filled young lives.
It was so amazing and humbling to talk with these kids and their parents about their ordeals. So much pain and so many hopes dashed by failed surgeries, relapses and cancers that just won’t go away. And yet these kids are so resilient, so filled with joy! And their parents are so grateful for anything that brings a little normalcy and fun into their child’s lives. I can’t tell you how many times I was thanked for the boat ride event, even though I had nothing to do with the planning of it.
I loved seeing the smiles and expressions of complete joy on the kids faces. Especially when they got to take the wheel of a boat and "drive" for a little bit. My heart is truly full. It was filled that day just watching the kids have fun.
It got me to wondering why I don’t do things like this more often, charity events for sick children who need a little joy in their lives. I’ve often thought of volunteering at Vandy’s Children’s Hospital – especially as a cuddler for the littlest infants – but I’ve never actually filled out the paperwork. I keep thinking that I don’t have time at this moment, so I’ll wait till I have a little more time. I realized this weekend that I won’t ever have time to volunteer if I don’t just make the time. What have I been waiting for?
I watched Part One of this two-part mini-series on ABC tonight. I have to say, I was blown away, both by the production values of this MOW (aka Movie of the Week) and of the information it provides.
It is excellently written, acted and produced. It could rival the best episodes of 24 in its suspense and realistic feel, though it did move rather slow in a few areas. But production aside, what it reveals of the events leading up to September 11, 2001 is insanely mind-bending.
Some of it it is already known, in the arrests of various Al Qaeda operatives on their way to, or shortly after, a terrorist attack. But at one point, we apparently had a clear and perfect opportunity to take out/arrest/kill Osama Bin Laden back in 1998, but was not approved at the last minute. Richard Clark, NSC for President Clinton and now an ABC adviser, defends the move saying that the CIA operatives there would have been cut down in the attempt and it would not have been successful.
I don’t believe him. And even if he is correct, wouldn’t it have been better to have tried back then, with the element of surprise on our side, than what has happened since? It seems to me that Clinton’s advisers and cabinet were more afraid of what their Boss and what the Congress would do to them if any Ops against Bin Laden and Al Qaeda than they were intent on protecting and defending the citizens of the US. And Clinton was far too busy defending himself because he couldn’t keep his paws of an intern to pay real attention to what was happening in the world, nonetheless in his own ranks.
It will be interesting to see what mistakes and missteps the Bush Administration made in the months and days leading up to September 11th. Because you know they made them. Ain’t nobody perfect in this world.
What I do admire about Bush is that once the attack happened, he came out and said what everyone in the Intelligence community knew since the early 1990s: we are at war with this guy. Bin Laden declared war on America, on Americans, on every single one of us unless we convert to Islam or until we are all dead. Every last one of us. He declared that back in the early 1990s. He made it known to the world. And September 11th was just one in a many attacks he’s made on us. But more importantly, Bush not only declared war, he backed it up with action. He was ruthless in his pursuit. That is, until Bin Laden took refuge in the mountains of an American ally, Pakistan, who still claims allegiance to us over Bin Laden/Taliban.
If Pakistan’s leaders really believe that, they must be completely out of touch with their own people, who are aiding and abetting Bin Laden and the Taliban even today. Personally, I think Pakistan’s leaders are playing both sides of the fence because they get benefits from being on America’s side but I think their hearts really belong to Bin Laden. That’s just my opinion.
Bush started so strong. He was kickin’ ass and takin’ names. But he seems so impotent now. What happened? What happened? I have to wonder if He got so frustrated with Pakistan that it caused him to turn and kick Saddam in the balls, which drug us into an unwinnable position in Iraq. And somewhere along the way he lost his way.
Back to "The Path of 9/11", I can see why many Clinton loyalists cried foul over this movie though. It doesn’t shine the best light on Clinton. But that’s really Clinton’s own fault, not the fault of the 9/11 Commission or the filmmakers. He sucked at foreign policy. Even Clinton fans have to admit that. He just sucked at it. I don’t know if he just didn’t care, or if he just completely lacked comprehension of it.
Failure doesn’t belong just to him, though. It seems clear that it didn’t just filtered down through his underlings, but it had percolated unchecked through the intelligence and law enforcement agencies for years; perhaps due to Reagan’s failing mental health or the elder Bush’s lack of trust or belief in Reagan’s policies. There was a gross lack of communication and trust between intelligence agencies and a whole lot of people who just didn’t see any of it coming till it was too large to stop.
Whatever you may think of Clinton or Bush, I think ABC actually made a very wise and valuable choice in producing this film. How many of us actually took the time, or would bother to take the time even now, to read the whole 9/11 Commission Report. But we’re all more than willing to watch a mini-series for a few hours, especially one that’s aired uninterrupted — as in without those stupid, pesky, annoying commercials. And perhaps some of us, like me, just might get curious enough to read the real thing and actually have a better understanding of the world we live in and events leading up to the attack that woke us up to the fact that we really are at war. Not because we declared it so, but because someone out there really does want us dead.
This is hilarious, given Wendy’s penchant for collecting INFP friends! heehee!!
Actually, I’m quite surprised by this… I think I’m actually an INFJ. But perhaps I’m mellowing in my old age, eh.
| You Are An INFP |
The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. |
