Please Stop the Room from Spinning

I mentioned a few days ago that I am, with my doctor’s permission, getting off the anti-depressants I began taking two and a half years ago after my parents’ deaths and overseas team implosion and my subsequent medical resignation from the IMB… (any questions as to why I needed anti-depressants at the time?).

I’ve experienced mild (and a few not-so-mild) withdrawal effects, as my brain says, "whaaaahhh…are you doooooo-iinnnggg??" and begins adjusting to life without serotonin help.

Today, however, I’ve had a big effect smack me in the head: dizziness. Extreme dizziness. Sometimes its all I can do to stay upright. It feels like the whole world is spinning; like I’ve just gotten off a very fast moving merry-go-round where I forgot to keep my focus on just one thing. Wwwhhheeee!

It’d be a rather fun experience, except it also happens when I’m driving. Blink_2

Disciple Generation

Marty Duren brought an intriguing article, and book, to my attention in his post today.

The book, "Righteous: Dispatches from the Evangelical Youth Movement" is written by Lauren Sandler, a self-proclaimed Jewish athiest, who immersed herself in in the Evangelical Youth Movement as a journalist in order to better understand and report on this new "grassroots movement" as she calls it.

The Washington Post.com recently published an on-line chat with Lauren regarding her book, research and her subsequent opinions on the latest movement in Christianity. Marty brought all this to our attention in his latest post and I got so caught up in what I read that I wanted to post my many thoughts here, rather than co-opt Marty’s blog in the comment section. šŸ™‚

Go read the article, if you haven’t already, then come back and let me tell you what I think — because  its all about me, you know. šŸ™‚ And then afterward, tell you what you think.

I think its an amazing testament to the youth/young adults in this movement that she calls it the "Disciple Generation". I think it shows that they (we?) are finally getting it. That we are called to be disciples of Jesus and to make disciples of everyone in our lives. That’s disciples, not converts. Did you hear me on that?

As I said in my comment on Marty’s blog:

[We have a] ā€œconversionā€ culture in the Church.

I know that for as long as I can remember (I grew up in church, my dad was a SBC chaplain in the Army and later a minister in SBC churches), I was taught that I would be known by my ā€œfruitā€ and that fruit was who I brought with me into heaven. In other words, how effective I was as a Christian in my world would be reflected by how many people I converted in my life.

I now believe that is a lie straight from hell — but spoken and perpetuated by well-meaning but misguided Christians. Satan wants to keep us ā€œfrustratedā€ with those God placed in our lives to LOVE and disciple because they aren’t ā€œconvertingā€, he wants us to be so frustrated because they aren’t becoming followers of Jesus. Why? Because as long as we see their conversion as tied to our effectiveness as Christians, we will be more focused on ourselves (and our perceived maturity/effectiveness in Christ) than on THEM. We will not really love them, just love them; just for the joy of loving another human being. But rather, we will see them as a means to proving our own "Christian-ness". —Does that make sense?

[As] Amy and others have said, God didn’t call us to ā€œconvertā€ the world. Jesus never said we’d be known by how many people joined our church. He said we’d be known by our LOVE.

I think we’ve gotten far too wrapped up in ā€œbringing people to Jesusā€ and have forgotten that our mandate from Jesus was actually to bring Him to the people. (ā€Goā€¦ā€ not ā€˜bring them to me’ ā€œā€¦and make disciplesā€¦ā€ not converts).

I think that’s what Lauren Sandler experienced in her time immersed in the Disciple Generation. She says in this chat, ā€œI found it remarkable — though perhaps I shouldn’t have, since it is the duty of every Evangelical to spread the faith — that almost every single person I approached opened their hearts, their lives, and often their homes, to me with incredible generosity.ā€

What she experienced was God’s love, poured out through Jesus’ followers. That she came out of it without committing her life to Jesus and becoming His follower says much more about her heart than it does about the people she met. Jesus’ parable about the seed/soil says nothing about the seed and everything about the soil. Our job is to sow the seeds of love and the gospel everywhere we go. No where does Jesus say we are responsible for any soil other than our own.

What Lauren describes as her experience while immersed in this movement is what being a disciple and making disciples looks like. Making disciples isn’t the same as making converts. The former is all about influence. The latter is all about power.

To me, her label of this movement shows that, for the most part, these young ones understand so much better than we did that it isn’t about power and control, but about influence and servanthood.

And I have to say this was also my assessment when I attended ILC (International Learning Center of the International Mission Board) back in 2002. It was the Journeyman/women and ISCers in their early to mid-20s who were grabbing up the Frontier assignments with people groups in the farthest reaches of the world faster than the IMB could create them. These were young men and women who were so passionately in love with Jesus that it was worth all the sacrifice and hard, hard work it takes to spread the Gospel to the ends of the earth, and they weren’t afraid to risk everything in order that even one person might get the chance to meet Jesus themselves, to experience God’s love and become a follower of Jesus. I am so impressed with this generation!

However, there are some things that concern me. Things I see in the Church which cause me growing concern, especially since it seems we are passing it along to the next generation.

I worked for a brief time with an arm of the SBC which is focused on furthering SBC interests in the political realm. I hated it. I hated the idea of mixing politics and "religion". I hated the idea of SBC money going to political causes. Part of the reason is because I know there are Southern Baptists out there who do not support the agenda pushed by this arm of their denomination. That, to me, is just as heinous as using union funds to support political agendas of an elite few in control. It disregards the will of the whole, for the desires of a few. You just don’t do that with an organization. Its the union members hard-earned dollars that should only be spent on things the majority feels is the best use of their money.

The same applies to the SBC, in my opinion. We have no business in the world of politics. We need to stay out of it as a denomination and let individuals focus on the issues most important to them as individuals. This is a problem I have with religion in politics in general.

In specific, however, I understand that we all bring our values and convictions into the voting booth and into our own campaigning, be it in the public arena or in the private campaigning we do in our conversations and debates with friends, co-workers and brothers and sisters in Christ. I have no problem with a person who is a Christian forming a lobby group of some kind to push for/against an issue that is of utmost importance to them.

But I have a huge problem with organizations that label themselves Christian and call their stance the "Christian" stance. It sets up the unavoidable impression (sometimes blatantly stated) that any other stance is decidedly UN-Christian.

That’s wrong.  Even when it comes to — hang on to your hats and glasses! — abortion, gay marriage and evolution vs. creationism taught in public schools. Who are we to tell other brothers and sisters in Christ how to vote, who to vote for, what to vote for and what to believe??? Who are we to judge them UNChristian when they don’t agree with us?? Nuh-uh, no. That’s wrong. We have no right to do so.

Lauren says in her on-line chat:

"In my reporting, I found that most people I spoke to would like to replace public schools with Christian schools, our government with a Christian government–the entire secular culture with a Christian culture. Not to seem overly alarmist here — though I think it’s important to sound an alarm these days — I did not write that sentence [of Christian conservatives as an army that ‘aims to destroy everything that it is not’] as a metaphor. I meant it literally. If I had met people who are content to live as Christians in a secular culture, without needing to change and shape institutions and individuals, I would not see it this way. But, simply, that’s what I found."

And earlier on she says,

There is almost no awareness amongst this group — which I call the Disciple Generation — that Evangelical liberals exist.

She also said,

"The politics of this Christain movement are of a very different stripe, and distinctly aligned–against gay marriage, abortion, and evolution in public schools. As long as a candidate is unflappable on those few issues, many people I’ve met have told me they need to look no further into a platform or voting record. They would tell you their politics and religion are one and the same–that there is no politics and there is no religion, there’s only faith."

Again, I am convinced that our faith, our relationship with Jesus, informs our politics. But I do not see the two "as one and the same." This, to me, is a symptom of the confusion the "religious right" and the Jerry Falwells of our time have created in the church. To not even be aware that someone could be Christian, be a follower of Christ and a liberal, says to me that there is a huge disconnect somewhere; and it says that we must all fit a cookie-cutter definition of Christianity or find ourselves discarded and marginalized by our own brothers and sisters in Christ. It all makes me sick to my soul. It is not at all how I see Jesus living His life. He was not concerned with the politics of His day; He was completely wrapped up in the people.

Don’t get me wrong. I do believe that God desires us to take a stand against the things in society which we find immoral and repugnant. Slavery, for example. Thank God for those who had the courage and tenacity to stand up in the public arena against it.

Yet do you also remember how many used the Bible and Jesus as their defense OF slavery?

This is the problem with using Jesus as a political weapon, rather than a social healing balm. And this is what I see in our culture of "conservative Christianity" today.  Jesus has become a political weapon rather than the Redeeming Grace of the soul.

I understand the zeal to have a "Christian government" "Christian schools" and a "Christian culture", in that we desire to bring righteousness into every aspect of our lives, especially those areas that we deem most important, like education and our nation’s governing bodies. However, I must agree with Lauren Sandler that the drive to replace the current systems with Christianized ones is very alarming. Because it is misdirected zeal. This was never Jesus’ mandate to His Church. Jesus never told us to go out and Christianize our world. Does that mean we are not to have an impact, or make a difference in our world? May it never be!

However, it needs to be said, and said and said again, that making an impact on our world and "Christianizing" it are two vastly different things. And I think we bring great harm to the Church and to Jesus’ name when we fight to do the latter rather than the former.

I think that this can be seen in how Jesus is now viewed by unbelievers, as well as the general reputation Christianity now has in America. And perhaps even throughout the world because of America (though not all of that is the fault of the American church).  So often we Christians are viewed by our society as "idiots," as one questioner/commenter on the chat from Eastern Market Washington, DC called us, or as those "crazy Christians" (to borrow a sketch title from "Studio 60…"). Could it possibly be because we take positions, politically, that tell the world we would rather force our religion on them than meet them where they’re at, accept them and love them for who they are right now? Is that really who Jesus is? Is that really what we want them to believe following Jesus is truly about, forcing our beliefs on an unbelieving world?

Why are we so hell-bent (if you’ll forgive the metaphor) on denying nonbelievers the rights that legal marriage would bring — things like spousal health care coverage, next of kin notices, etc? Come on, do we really believe that this will eliminate homosexuality in America? Do we really think that by declaring marriage to be only between a man and a woman that we will eliminate same-sex unions, and perhaps bring all who struggle with homosexuality to Jesus? Come on, let’s be real. It does nothing more than create another wall, another barrier for the Gospel; another barrier that keeps the Gospel from being heard by a significant group of people.

Forcing nonbelievers to live like they were believers may seem "morally righteous" but, in truth, it’s cruel. They have neither the understanding nor the power of the Holy Spirit with which to overcome the enemy and live in freedom under the standards God sets for us, His followers. God never forces nonbelievers to live by the same standards as His people. Rather, He calls His people to live by standards that would cause the world around them to stand up and take notice, in order that HE might have the glory and honor when His people are able to point to Him as the source of the ability to live by such freedom, grace, hope and love.

I am convinced that we can still lovingly address the reality that homosexuality is a sin while at the same time not barring homosexual marriage in our society. No, its not perfect. No, same-sex marriage is not God’s best. But how in the world can we expect the world to live as God commands us to live when we cannot even live that way without the power of Jesus?? When are we going to wake up and realize America is not a nation of Christ-followers. We are not a Christian nation. We are Christianized; and with a brand of Christianity that is more cultural than Biblical.

My heart breaks that we are passing along our syncretized Christianity to our youth. They have such an opportunity to break free of our chains and run free in the path of God’s commands (Palm 119:32) rather than sludge through our cultural Christianity.

In all other ways, this generation has everything going for it; as Lauren says, "many of the members of this Disciple Generation I met are extremely
articulate, thoughtful, creative — they are quite astute, I believe in
many of their criticisms of the secular world as empty, consumerist,
and purposeless."
I would say a loud, "that’s right!" to her declaration.

I Really Must…

…learn to firmly plant my lower lip on a soda can/glass, like a floutist does on her instrument, before lifting the drink beyond the spill point.

Unless, of course, I want to keep ending up with diet coke all down my shirt…Huh1_1

Dilemma – What Do I Do?

I finished up wrapping the sound equipment for the Chapel service this morning and wandered with my co-techie to the tech room to chat with the other media servants. We joked about how Pastor Rick always pronounces issues "ishuhs," which as far as anyone can tell is a personal quirk not a Southern-ism. As we joked about my own personal "language barrier" with Southern-speak — I cannot
understand some words to save my life! — I got to thinking about Erwin’s
love of mispronunciation and creating new words and we all laughed at
how every person has their own "ishuhs" with the English language.
Thinking about Erwin, however, gave me a craving to hear one of the
Mosaic podcasts.

We had enough camera operators for second service and I didn’t feel like clumping upstairs to watch one of the guys run the board for our webcast recording. Nor did I see any of the people from the singles group I sometimes sit with during second service, so I decided to head home. Rick’s sermon, while nice, was, for me, like eating baby food. So, as usual, it wasn’t something I desired to sit through a second time. It was on how to "witness", as they say in the Bible belt, by just telling your story; what is the before and after of your life with and without Jesus. It was like being a college student sitting in Kindergarten and being taught how to make big, two-line letters all over again. Valuable to five year-olds but boring to the college student.

I didn’t realize how boring until I got in the car and decided to listen in Erwin’s most recent podcast on my iPod on the way home.

Man, do I miss sitting under him and hearing him speak each Sunday morning! I really, really miss it. I would often go to all three services (serve in two — well, when two were at the same venue — and just attend one) just so I could hear it again and wring all the God-stuff out of it I could.  I was acutely aware all the way home this morning of how much I missed hearing him every Sunday. I drove much slower than normal and sat in the driveway for a while just so I could continue listening without interruption. I just soaked it all in, drank it in really — like I’d just spent days in the hot desert without any water. I didn’t realize how thirsty I was.

I love the people I serve with at TPC. I really do. They are great people, fun to be with, hard working, God-honoring, loving, compassionate die-hard servants and followers of Jesus. And I like our pastor. Rick seems to be a good man, a godly man. And my heart resonates with his vision to lead TPC to be a place where people are truly consumed with the passion and mission of Jesus, rather than just attending church each week because "that’s what we here in the South do on Sunday mornings." He longs to create community — much like community that Mosaic experiences every week.

But the thing is, I generally get nothing out of the service. Just as I didn’t get anything out of Rick’s sermon today, I generally leave church not having gotten anything new or feeling as if God has touched me or talked to me through Rick at all. In other words, I leave hungry. It’s not that Rick’s teaching is bad or that he doesn’t use Scripture. I just don’t get anything out of it. I don’t walk away with any nugget of truth on which to chew during the week; something, anything that sparks my imagination and draws me to investigate on my own further during the week.

I realize that Rick has to approach his teaching this way right now. Most people I’ve met in our church, and, really, in the Nashville area in general, really don’t get the concept of church as a true community of followers of Jesus. People who are truly passionate about following Him no matter where He leads, people who have a true, growing, deepening intimate relationship with Him.

Oh, they know the words. "Personal Lord", "personal relationship" yada-yada-yada… But they’ve never actually experienced a deep connection with God, an on-going conversation with Him. Heck, I think if most of the people around here actually heard God’s speak to them they’d think they were going insane. They’d probably wig out completely and start begging for meds. Most don’t really believe that God talks to them in the same way we talk with our friends. That He longs to talk with us, to have us include Him in our conversations and, yeah, in our prayers. To them, prayer is one way — even though they, again, know the lingo that "prayer is a two-way street". Most think the only way God speaks to His Church today is through the Bible. Period.

Most also don’t see evangelism and discipleship as synonymous and a way of life. Evangelism is that thing you do at Monday night visitation. And that thing other people are gifted and called to do. People like Billy and Franklin Graham. And discipleship is that Paul-Timothy thing that they always want to participate in as long as they get to be the "Timothy" and don’t have to be the "Paul". God forbid they should step into a "leadership" role!

Most don’t realize that Jesus didn’t say, "go and pass out tracts to the poor in East Nashville or at the local video store." Or "go and convert your co-workers during a one-time lunch when they are hurting and really just needing a shoulder to cry on." And none realize that he didn’t say, "go and evangelize if you’ve been given the gift to do so, otherwise leave it to someone else — better yet, the pastor — to do that kind of thing on Monday night visitation."

No, they don’t realize what Jesus actually said was, "go and make disciples…." It’s called the Great Commandment because it’s not a suggestion. Nor is it a call to a select few to "evangelize". It’s a command to all of us to make disciples of every person in our lives.

The thing is, we do it naturally. We are either a disciple of or discipling every person in our lives. Which one depends on us and whom we are influenced by and whom we influence. — Those we are influenced by are discipling us , our "Pauls" to use church language. Those we influence are our disciples. — Few people recognize that we are always both leading and following. And fewer still take responsibility for the outcome in the end.

And then there’s the "ishuh" of real community. Community that comes out of bonding, out of a shared unity in the servanthood of Christ and in the baring of our souls to each other. The kind of community that can only be forged in a small group. Not a Sunday school class or a Wednesday night Bible study. But a small, group of 10 or less meeting each and every week, who are committed to being real even when it’s embarrassing or painful. That kind of transparency is very risky. And it’s a risk most church-going Bible belt Southerners aren’t willing to take.

I think this is because church is the mask they wear to convince themselves and the world around them that, really, they’re just fine. They’re okay. Its you that’s messed up. To open up in a small group, to be transparent to eight other people, would mean taking off the church-mask and admitting that their world isn’t the perfect world the Church has told them, from the time they were crawling around the church nursery, that it would be, that it "should" be, if they are really "living in God’s will."

‘Cause really, think about it a minute. Isn’t that the message the church has sold us on since we were in diapers? That if we will just "trust and obey" God, He will take away all our suffering, all our hardship, all our pain, all our misfortune, all our struggles, all our bad feelings, all our bad thoughts, all our temptations, and we will never have these things again. As long as we fully submit ourselves to God, He will take care of us and give us joy and peace and happiness and health and wealth and all "the desires of our heart." And when all our pain and hardship and misfortune and suffering and struggles and bad feelings and bad thoughts and temptations don’t disappear, we become convinced its because we aren’t submitted or surrendered enough, we aren’t trusting enough, we aren’t obeying enough. It’s our fault that we don’t have joy and happiness and health and wealth and all the desires of our heart.

For if it isn’t our fault, then it must be God’s — and we cannot bear to think that God hasn’t shown up. Because if God doesn’t show up, then we’ve wasted our whole lives worshiping and serving and striving to please a worthless God; a God who doesn’t even care about us enough to show up when we submit and surrender and trust and obey. No, it must be our fault. So we strive harder, we surrender more, we try to convince ourselves to trust more and we obey every law we can find. And when we can’t find any more laws to obey, we make new ones up. Only to have our own failure bite us in the butt yet again. Its no wonder people here don’t want to have true community. Who would want to take of their mask and risk exposure as an utter failure in this "perfect" Christian life to your fellow church-goers?? Especially when it seems as simple as "just trust and obey."

So Rick needs to be teaching what he is teaching. And he needs to be approaching it the way he is. Because the majority of our church wouldn’t get it otherwise — and probably doesn’t get it even yet. He and the Holy Spirit have years, lifetimes, of ingrained bad teaching, lies and deceptions from the enemy of our souls, and fear of exposure as failures to undo. And it could take the rest of Rick’s lifetime to undo it.

I get that. I understand it. But at the risk of sounding incredibly selfish and self-centered….

What about me?

Where do I fit in with all of this? I’ve been at this church over a year and still have yet to form any significant relationships. Oh, I’ve got a couple of relationships with potential to go deep, I think. But the opportunities to do so have been very slim, and mostly one-sided in the attempts (as in mine). Again, I’m faced with that wall of fear that others have of being known. I know what that fear is like. I went through it myself. I used to be like the people I see here. I used to be them. But that was, gosh, over 14 years ago now. And while I know their struggle and I struggle with my own fears of being known, and I empathize with their dilemma, I have one of my own. One that is growing stronger every day and stood up this morning and chewed me out.

I want to be known more than I fear it. I want community more than I fear intimacy. I want to be challenged more than I want to be "fed". I want to follow Jesus no matter the cost more than I fear where He might take me. And I want a community of people to journey with in life here in Nashville that share my passion for Jesus and my longings for community and challenge more than I want to shuffle alongside people who still think Church is a fortress from the "world", rather than the shelter and refuge FOR the world’s most broken, twisted and shattered that it is and was always meant to be. I want a community who desires to pursue Jesus with full-out passion. I want it so bad it hurts. I haven’t had it since I left LA.

And I want strong teaching. I want powerful teaching. I want gut-wrenching, soul-searching, deep-thinking, research-compelling teaching that pushes me to search the Bible on my own for the deeper aspects of the topic, that addresses the controversies of today and challenges me to find the answers in Scripture, to seek out God’s opinion from Him and to dialog with Him on issues the Bible doesn’t "seem" to address. I want to be challenged on Sunday with meaty issues, not fed from the baby-food table of Christianity. That’s what I got each Sunday from Erwin: A challenge from God and a week’s worth of Scripture to dive into and sift through with Jesus to help me meet that challenge.

Is it selfish that I’m starving for this? Is it selfish that I want to find a more like-minded, more mature community with more mature teaching? If I left, would I be leaving a community who really needs me for a community who perhaps doesn’t need me as much?

See, this is why I didn’t want to move away from LA. I admit it. I am selfish. I miss Mosaic. I miss my home and my community. And I miss the solid, meaty no-holds-barred teaching. I miss the frank talk and the friends who continually challenged me to not only live up to what I had already learned, but to be continually learning more. I miss all that and I want to find it again. Because I don’t have it at my current church.

What do I do?

Pictures from Reynold Rendezvous 2006

I received two cds full of pictures (one was just all the raw ones I took) Kat and I took at the Lake Oconee/Reynolds Plantation charity event a couple of weeks ago. It brought back precious memories of that day, and all the beautiful people we got to know that day.

I’ve uploaded some of my favorites to a photo album you will see on the right column. I plan to upload more later — it’s nearly 3am and I have to be up in two hours to do the sound in tbe Chapel service.  Please take a look at the photos and let me know what you think.

Here are the three major players of the event:

Rey06096
Jenn, The Instigator

Rey06141

Kat, the Photographer (and part-time trouble maker)

Rey06128

…and me, the back-up-spiritual-wonder-girl

Every Time…

…I eat Lucky Charms, or lots of salads, both of which I have eaten today (and LOTS  of salads all week) I get green poop. I was thinkin’ perhaps something was wrong with me, till I found this website doing a Google search for "green poop".

What?! It’s a very informative site. I learned a lot.

What?! Too much information?
Sorry. Just wanted to share the poop scoop.1_baaa_2
Don’t you just love my Pajama Days!! I sure do!

Pajama Day

Its 5:30pm and I’m still in my pjs. Its the first Saturday in over a month that I haven’t had some place to be, something I had to do or someone I had to meet up with.

These are my favorite kind of Saturdays; spent reading, sleeping and catching up on TiVo-ed recordings of the week. I never got them growing up. My parents thought to spend a day this way was a waste of time. That is, until they retired and spent most days reading and napping, when they weren’t traveling and seeing the U.S. from their truck and trailer. They just weren’t like me.

Me? I need downtime. I need time alone. I mean, A-Lone. Me, myself and I — and God. No one else. No friends, no parents, no roommates. I have rarely had this kind of time, mostly because I have rarely lived alone. I had roommates from the time I moved out of my parents’ home till I moved overseas in 2003 — except when I briefly had an apartment of my own in my late twenties, more out of need than of choice.

As an adult I always felt guilty for sleeping in on Saturdays and holidays, as most of my roommates were like my parents, either extroverts who were filled with energy by being with people or filled with conviction that a day not filled with activities was a day wasted. I grew up believing that my feelings and choices were basically bad, or not allowed at all, so I spent my life pretty much like Julia Roberts’ character in "Runaway Bride" — taking on the attitudes, beliefs and fancies of those I most wanted to be loved by and denying my own desires to the point I didn’t even know what they were. I spent my life believing my longing to spend the day in my pjs just kicking back and reading or napping was at the very least selfish and shameful, not to mention sinful. Most of my roommates, I can pretty much guarantee, to this day think I’m crazy to want to spend a Saturday the way I have today.

But that’s okay. I think they are the crazy ones to want to start a day off work getting up at 6am and going strong and hard all day. To me that’s not relaxing. Nor is it fun; especially when you’re just going to go. You know, to just be busy. And especially when the long day isn’t followed by a day of real rest.

Yet that’s the way I spent most of my days throughout much of my adult life. I got up not  because I was ready or I wanted to, but because I could hear my roommates up and felt embarrassed that they might be thinking that I’m so incredibly lazy. Yes, sounds crazy. But to me, what people thought of me was much more important than what I wanted. And what they thought of me determined what I thought of myself.  told you: "Runaway Bride".

That’s not to say I don’t enjoy days I get up early and go-go-go. I had a wonderful time working hard and long at Jenn’s charity event two weeks ago. And I had an incredible time attending Rosh Hashanah services with my friend Donna at her reformed synagogue last Saturday morning. Its just that I come away from it exhausted and longing for a "real" Saturday; one where I can just chill out and not go anywhere.

The crazy thing is, its taken me until I was nearly 41 years old (and two years of counseling) to really embrace this part of me and recognize that I am not sinning or wasting a day by spending the day as I have today, reading and napping and just hangin’ out. This is part of who I am, part of who God made me to be. Perhaps what they say about life in your 40s is true: you really do finally get comfortable with who you are and start not caring about what other people think. —Truthfully, I think its more the effects of my counseling, more about God using that time to transform me and teach me how to accept who I He made me to be, rather than an effect of age… but that’s just me.

I’m a huge introvert with a huge heart and love for people. My dad once pointed that out to me years ago, saying that I had been blessed and cursed with inheriting dichotomous aspects of both my parent’s personalities, but I couldn’t really understand it or embrace and comprehend the complexity of it then. My mom was such a people lover, and a huge extrovert. Huge. Dad was a huge introvert. It’s a testament to their love for God, His love for them and their willingness to partner with Him and with each other in this thing called marriage that they stayed together for 61 years of marriage, only separated by their deaths. I had the blessing (which sometimes feels like a curse) to be given dad’s introversion and mom’s huge heart for people.

People exhaust me. Being with them drains me of energy that can only be recouped by being alone. But people also fill my heart with unspeakable joy and deep pleasure. I love them and long to be with them. Finding the balance between my desperate need for alone time to rest and recharge and my desperate love for people and longing to know them deeper and more intimately has been a life-long struggle. But now that I live alone, I’m beginning to find that balance.

And the freedom (from self-condemnation) to have my pajama days and fully embrace and enjoy them. I’m finally recognizing that I am not wasting my day spending it the way I have today. In fact, I’m giving myself a much needed gift, a very good thing for my spirit and soul, as well as my mind and body.

I need the rest I got today. Between my age, my weight and the fact I’m titrating down to elimination my anti-depressant, my body needs even more this time to catch up on rest it’s not getting during the week. And my soul needs time to contemplate, time to absorb what it’s taken in, endured and experienced during the week. And my spirit, my sweet introverted spirit, just needs time to re-energize. I’m like my iPod. I need to be connected to my "source" and just left alone for a long while (in the case of my iPod and long, loooong while — sheesh, 5 hours and counting!) to recharge my battery. My friend, Wendy, calls it Selah. A pause. I guess Saturdays like today, my pajama days, are my Selahs.

I need more of them.

Do you have Selahs in your life? What do they look like for you? Are they Pajama Days, or Park Days or Library Days? How do you pause, reflect and recharge?

Still Magical

Despite starting the day with the worst traffic I’ve seen on Hillsboro ever, the day turned out to be rather magical.

You’d think that after 40 of these things, I’d be tired of them. But they never seem to lose their magic for me. There’s just something about bounding into a place and announcing, "its my birthday!" that brings me joy and excitement. And I spent most of the day doing just that — or pointing to my big Disneyworld button that says, "Today’s my Birthday!"

I am now the proud owner of a black 30gb video iPod. Woohoo! I’ve already spent the better part of the night playing with it and checking out all the nifty little settings and such. But as wonderful as that is, it cannot top the present I received when I drove down my driveway.

As I came down in the darkness, my headlights caught three beautiful young deer making a dinner out of our hedges. One got skittish as I drove closer, so I stopped the car and just sat watching them, keeping my high beams trained on the three. Soon enough the third one came back to the hedge and began eating again. Then a third one came clamoring through the a gap in the hedges that I’d never noticed before. The four greeted each other as only deer can, hung out for a bit longer, then slowly headed toward the back of our property, out of range of my headlights. What a beautiful gift to come home to!! Nature’s beauty right there in my back yard. I wish I’d had my camera with me in the car so I could’ve shot some pictures of it. Simply wonderful.

The evening ended with a series of calls to and from my sister, Nina, who sent me a very delicious birthday card. Wink
A perfect ending to a perfectly magical day. Thanks, God!