“He has said, “I will never under any circumstances desert you nor give you up nor leave you without support, nor will I in any degree leave you helpless, nor will I forsake or let you down or relax My hold on you – assuredly not!” — Hebrews 13:5 (AMP)

Two years ago this coming May I went skydiving for the first time. A friend had shared a video and some pictures on Facebook from her skydiving adventure and it looked fun to me. It looked like an adventure I wanted to take. So I did.

I signed up to go and asked a few friends if they’d like to join me. Most adamantly refused, but one friend who had done it before said she would go with me, not to jump, but to be my support. There were a few false starts due to weather, but finally, the day before Mother’s Day, I got to do my jump. And my friend, Natalie, got to be in the co-pilot seat as I did. It was great to have her there, willing to listen as I went on and on afterward about all I had experienced. 

I wasn’t nervous when we got there, or while waiting — though I was rather nervous for a bit after reading through the 7-page waiver I had to sign which detailed all the things that could go wrong and my “agreement” to never ever sue them if they should. I’d already paid my money at that point, and thus committed myself to this adventure. So, nerves-jangling, I signed the waiver and headed to the hangar to meet my instructor. 

I was given a jump suit of sorts to get into, and as our time got closer, my tandem instructor, Mike, had me get into a harness, which he tightened. Then we got into to the perfectly good plane we were to jump out of, along with a group of others, and the plane took off.

As we flew higher in the sky, I began to get a little nervous; it was quite high and things on the ground looked very small. As we got close to our jumping altitude of 15,000 feet, Mike began tightening my harness even more; to the point that I thought it might cut me in half.

Too soon it was our turn to jump out. I’d like to say I jumped with confidence and excitement, but that would be a huge lie. There was a group of skydivers that went out first, all in a big ball, tumbling out and over the edge of the plane. I stared after them thinking, “oh, crap! This is real. And this is crazy!” Fear kicked in and I could not move. Thankfully, I was completely tethered to Mike at that point, and he moved us forward and out the door before I could really process what was happening.

I closed my eyes almost immediately, so I missed seeing the belly of the plane as we did a flip onto our back and then back onto our stomachs. I opened my eyes to open sky all around, and the ground very very far away.

I was overwhelmed. Completely overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed with what, exactly, I can’t say. There was a taste of terror in that overpowering feeling, and a little taste of exhilaration. And perhaps many other emotions as well. I’m just not sure. All I know is that I was completely overwhelmed by emotions, and, in that moment, I so very much wanted off that ride. Except, there was no “off”. This…thing I was doing at that moment was the “off”. It was as “off the ride” as a person could get.

There was nothing to do but hang on, breathe, and trust that Mike, whom I could no longer see because he was strapped to my back, knew what he was doing, and would take care of me in the event that something went wrong. 

We were in free-fall for what seemed like eternity, but in reality was probably only a minute or two at the most. The crazy thing about free-fall is it doesn’t feel like you’re falling at all. It feels more like flying. The ground doesn’t seem to be getting closer but the wind is screaming past you to the point it’s hard to hear, or move. Nothing about what you are experiencing is normal, so the brain goes into overdrive trying to process it all and figure out what to do next. At least that was my experience. 

Then came the magical moment I will remember all my life. The parachute deployed.

I didn’t see it deploy; rather, I felt it. There was a sudden jerked upwards, as if some giant had grabbed hold of us and yanked us back up higher in the sky. But it wasn’t so much the jerk that got my attention as much as it was the feel of the harness holding me fast. It was tight against my body, like a mother clutching a trembling child against her after both had a good scare. It was strong and solid.

I felt secure for the first time since we were in the plane and I saw how high we were. And I continued to feel secure in that harness the rest of the way down. All the tugging and pulling Mike had done, all his telling me to suck in my stomach and pull every muscle in tight, had gotten that harness so snug around me that even thousands of feet in the air, it solidly held me close to him – and gave me the sense that I was anchored to someone else; someone who was very experienced in what to do next.

Now, that harness had been as securely fastened to me when we first jumped out of the plane as it was when the parachute deployed. And it was just as securely fastened throughout our free-fall. Yet I don’t remember ever noticing or feeling it. All I remember is feeling utterly overwhelmed and desperately wanting off the ride. It was only when the parachute opened and the harness pulled tight that I realized I was securely held.

As we drifted down to the ground under the sweet canopy of the parachute, I remember God whispering to me that this is how securely anchored I am to Him at all times, even though I don’t feel it or realize it. I am securely tethered to God through Jesus. And while my tandem skydiving instructor might make a mistake, or have a problem with equipment that even with his decades of experience he cannot overcome, God will never make a mistake. And He never encounters a problem He cannot overcome.

I’ve thought often of that moment nearly two years ago when the harness pulled tight. I’ve tried to imagine feeling that security again. Particularly in recent weeks. But it’s hard to feel secure during free-fall. You have to just trust that you are secure. You have to choose to trust the tethers you can’t feel and the Person you can’t see.

Tonight, as I listened to the news that my home state of California is now on complete lockdown as a means to arrest the spread of this virus, I was overwhelmed once again. There is a strong taste of terror mixed with dread and anxiety. I’m afraid for my family and friends still living there, some of whom are squarely in the high-risk categories. I’m fearful for their health and their jobs. 

As I got ready for bed all I could think of was “I want off this ride. I want OFF this ride!” I want to turn the channel on this disaster movie and watch something else. I want a romantic comedy, where the worst things that happen are frustrating road trips, chance meetings with annoying guys, and falling in love with said annoying but lovable guy. I want When Harry Met Sally. I don’t want Contagion. 

Events are screaming past us so fast right now, like the wind rushing by during free-fall. It’s hard to hear anything else but the latest news, or our shouting fears. It’s especially difficult to hear the voice of God. And it’s hard to know what to do, and who to believe. Nothing about what we are experiencing is normal. There’s no precedent to follow; no manual that tells us what move to make next. We are in free-fall and none of us knows how to pull the parachute cord. 

I’m in a free-fall of my own too. Terror is screaming at me all the time, reminding me of my jobless state, of my alone-ness and loneliness, barraging me with images of being a bag lady under a bridge, forgotten and alone. With each new day – sometimes each new hour – there is more bad news; more layoffs, more “guidelines”, more locking down of society. Dread is weighing down my soul and anxiety is eating my lunch. 

As I battled these demons screaming in my ears tonight, God so graciously — and powerfully — swept them aside, and lovingly got in my face. I heard Him say, “Remember, you are tethered to Me. You can’t see me because I’m behind you, holding you firmly and securely to Myself. But I’ve got you. I’ve got you!” 

“I got you!” — I don’t know if there are more beautiful words to hear in the midst of free-fall than that. He has us! We are firmly tethered to Jesus, and He will never ever under any circumstances desert us nor give us up nor leave us without support, nor in any degree leave us helpless, nor will He forsake or let us down or relax His hold on us – assuredly not!

Take Heart, friends! Be of good courage – and sleep well. Jesus is keeping watch today.

I am learning to live life on life’s terms, to live one day at a time, enjoy one moment at time, and to be a voice of hope for all who will hear. I want this to be a place of dialogue; a place where we can come together and discover the grace, joy, strength, and hope that can be found in God in the midst of life’s overwhelming struggles.

I hope you will join me in my journey.

So says one of my favorite characters — one in whom I see quite a lot of myself — in one of my favorite children's movies called, The Secret of NIMH. I'm so much like Jeremy the bird; so attracted to sparkly, shiny, new things! I've not always been on top of the trends, but I've always loved having something new and sparkly to play with. I stole silver dollars from my sister's drawer as a child, but as an adult I've learned to pay for all my shinys myself. However, that can cause another issue — which we will discuss at another time.

Lately I've been eying all things Apple. I've drooled over the new iPads for— well, since they were announced! AND I just bought myself a shiny new iPhone4…. which won't be delivered until after July 14th.

Can I tell you how much that kills a sparkly lover like me!

Target is the worst place in the world for me. It's like a candy store to a hungry kid. All this great shiny stuff, and at a discounted rate. I see something and say to myself, 'oh I need this, and it's only ten dollars,' over and over till my cart is full. Then I wonder why my bill is over a hundred dollars!

It's amazing how easily I am distracted by sparkly things; by things that look wonderful on the outside, but truthfully have no real substance on the inside. I never seem to remember that these things don't satisfy me when I'm caught up in the scintillating rush of excitement of possibly owning something that dazzling.

But satisfy me they do not. And soon they are cast aside with all the other aging sparklies to lay in a pile in my closet, or in a drawer somewhere. Never used again. Eventually I'll come across it during some cleaning binge and wonder what in the world I was thinking when I bought that??

I'm realizing more and more how spiritually immature I am. My mind is more often on me and my problems — my needs and wants and desires, all the sparklys and shiny new things — rather than on God and bringing HIm glory. More on talking about myself than talking about Him — even when I'm talking to Him. More about getting for me, rather than giving of me so that someone else can see Him.

Too often I forget the mercy and grace He lavishes on me every day. I don't thank Him for my life, for another day to live for Him each morning. I forget so quickly that He doesn't have to have grace and mercy on me. I forget that He is being patient and kind and generous with all of us in holding back His judgment so that everyone has ample chance to turn to Him.

Too often I forget that someday soon the streets will run red with the blood of those who rebelled against Him, who took His grace and mercy and kindness and patience for granted, assuming that it would always be offered. I forget that some day His judgment will finally be poured out in full on this earth. Some of those rebels are people I love! Like them, too often I assume His mercy will never end, His judgment will never be poured out.

Oh, Jesus, help me remember all these things every day! Get up in my face and remind me that time is short! That sparklys don't satisfy, only YOU can satisfy me! Remind me daily I was created to bring You GLORY! And that this is the greatest thing I could ever do on this earth, iPhone or no, to bring You glory!

   God, teach me lessons for living
      so I can stay the course.
   Give me insight so I can do what you tell me—
      my whole life one long, obedient response.
   Guide me down the road of your commandments;
      I love traveling this freeway!
   Give me a bent for your words of wisdom,
      and not for piling up loot.
   Divert my eyes from toys and trinkets,
      invigorate me on the pilgrim way.
    (Psalm 119:36-37, The Message)

I'm so sorry, Papa. Please, will you have mercy on me? I made a big mess of things. I quit worshiping You and started worshiping myself. I thought I knew best; I thought I could solve this one on my own, so I left You out of the mix. But, instead, I just… made a mess.

Papa:

I know, Sweetpea. It's okay, We'll fix it. Nothing is beyond Our ability to redeem.

Me:

Papa? (pause) Why did You create us humans when You knew we would fail so epically so much of the time?

Papa:

Because that's what makes Life so good, so rich. It's that epic failure that allows Us to restore and redeem, and draws you deeper into Our embrace, into the folds of Our enveloping garments of praise. With every epic fail, We restore and renew with Epic Redemption!

Come now; tuck in to Our embrace. Feel Our strength and be renewed. It's okay. Nothing is beyond Our ability to redeem.

**Painter unknown: I nabbed the picture from Emily Hunter McGowin's 2007 post, Sometimes, this is all I can say…

 ^1-2 Long enough, God— you've ignored me long enough.
   I've looked at the back of your head
      long enough. Long enough
   I've carried this ton of trouble,
      lived with a stomach full of pain.
   Long enough my arrogant enemies
      have looked down their noses at me.

 ^3-4 Take a good look at me, God, my God;
      I want to look life in the eye,
   So no enemy can get the best of me
      or laugh when I fall on my face.

 ^5-6 I've thrown myself headlong into your arms—
      I'm celebrating your rescue.
   I'm singing at the top of my lungs,

      I'm so full of answered prayers. (Psalm 13, The Message)

He is able, and He will rescue me. He is able, and He will rescue me.

In this I hope tonight. In this I believe. In this I cling to with all my might.

I need my God to rescue me, for I'm drowning in my own mess and my enemies are watching in delight.

Laughing, poking, kicking me while I'm down. Against them I cannot stand. Not alone.

Jesus, do You hear me? Jesus, will you come? Will I some day see You? Will I someday get to go Home?

He is able, and He will rescue me. He is able, and He will rescue me.

In this I hope tonight. In this I believe. In this I cling to with all my might.

He delights in me, and dances over me all day long. He is enthralled by my beauty and knows every note of my unique song.

Therefore I will hope. I will Hope. I will Hope in Him and no one else. Hope in Him and nothing else. He is able and He will come.

Yeah, that's about it….

For 83 days now I have looked for a new job in an economy that absolutely sucks and just keeps surprising me with how much worse it can get as each day passes. I've had a couple of interviews but so far I'm still unemployed.

I finally broke down today and filed for unemployment. Yeah, I know — many would say I should have done that day one, but can I tell you how utterly depressing it is to file that stuff? Online or in person, it doesn't matter: it just sucks. And since I'm often all about avoiding that which sucks whenever possible, well, I just kept putting it off. But now the deed is finally done. Good thing, too. The severance runs out this week. Now we start digging into school loans and savings.

There are days when life is good and I feel safe, secure, loved, and sheltered by God despite my current circumstances. Those days are like a little taste of heaven on earth. I'm filled with happiness, contentment, and peace about the future — whatever it holds. Sometimes I can even see a glimpse of God's wisdom and goodness in giving me this "extended vacation."

But then there are days like today, where I struggle to keep breathing deeply and remembering Whose child I am, so as to stave off the panic attacks that are looming over me, ready to devour me whole. These days are difficult, discouraging, frustrating, anxiety-ridden, and very long. The worst of it seems to come after sunset. For some reason darkness outside my windows fuels my fears and depression. I'm not so much afraid of the dark as I am afraid in the dark.

There isn't much I can do to lift my own spirits on days like these. The only thing I know to do, really, is to cry out to Papa, 'please help me! I'm really scared and I feel all alone and lost. Please help me.'

Worshiping helps too, as odd as that sounds.

….Well, that, and dancing around my house like a maniac to my rockin' iTunes "Celebrate The 80s" mix…. but we won't go there right now….

When I listen to songs like Chris Tomlin's "Exalted (Yahweh)," or Tenth Avenue North's "Hallelujah" I am carried to a different place; a place near the throne and majesty and warm holiness of God, my Papa. I turn up the volume and just let the music remind me of His constant presence, and His unfathomable holiness and greatness.

I recently heard someone pray that God would raise us up above the current storms of life so that we could be at peace. As I listened I honestly found myself wholeheartedly disagreeing with this prayer. I don't want to be lifted up above my current storms. I want to find peace in the midst of the storms. I want to be able to rest in the care of God no matter what circumstances befall me. I don't want my trust and peace in Him to be situation-dependent.

These are days to be endured, I think, rather than soared above, if that makes sense. These hard days teach me to trust and rest in peace even when economic hurricanes and emotional tornadoes wreak havoc with the terrain of my life. They teach me to remember that my strength and hope come from God, not from my own perspective of my situation…. does that make sense?

So, this is me, today, enduring a hard day, worshiping Papa and Jesus, grateful for their love and lavish attention…. and hoping tomorrow brings a new job with it. But trusting that Papa has got me covered no matter what.

I’m allowing fear and depression convince me the water is just too high, that I cannot go deep because I cannot handle it. I’ve let them convince me I am in the deep end and I’m drowning, so I just can’t risk going any deeper.

But really, I’m just laying on the floor. If I will even just sit up I’ll be okay.

“You can’t worship two gods at once. Loving one god, you’ll end up hating
the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other. You can’t
worship God and Money both.

 “If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you
don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or whether the
clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life
than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance
than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and
unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of
God. And you count far more to him than birds.

 “Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much
as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it
makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk
out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or
shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten
best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.

 “If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in
you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to
relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

 “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get
worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you
deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes” Matt 6:22-34 The Message