A painful occurence from last year has resurfaced.

A person I considered a friend hurt me deeply and basically kicked me out of her house. I decided to kick her out of my life. However, I never told her. Nor did I ever admit this to myself. No, after a few months of anger and a few more of just tears of pain, I concluded I was “over it”. It was in my past and I wasn’t looking back. I want to live in the future. Or at least in the moment. I’ve spent too many years looking backward. I don’t have many left. Let’s make these count.

But my dreams….my dreams. They betray me. They betray a heart still broken, still hurting. Still angry. Sometimes raging. And a spirit not at peace because there has been no resolution. And it’s on me. It’s all on me. It’s because of me the matter still remains unresolved. The door was slammed in my face. I was never really told why. I left. And never went back.

Not until today, when friends who love me spoke Truth — one in kick-a** style only he can get away with, and the other with the compassion only a friend of many years of enduring love can be capable of — only today was I willing to own up. To say, “I have not obeyed God. I have not done my part to, as much as possible, live at peace with this woman, as God asks me to in Romans 12:19.”

Over the last two years pain has layered upon pain, loss upon loss. Going overseas, leaving family, friends, and home behind. Team conflict, conflict with the leader, loneliness, home-sickness, feelings of incompetency created a landslide of negative thoughts and emotions. Then dad’s heart attack, his death, mom’s death, my team’s continued crumbling…. how much more could I take?

Nothing. Nothing more, was my heart’s determination. The next thing would be the straw that broke me.

That’s when it happened. Betrayal in a counseling session snowballed into stonewalling that ended with “you have to leave…”, a two-day deadline to get out and the declaration, “That’s not my problem.” when I said I had no where to go.

I was wrong. I had many places to go. God provided, as only He can, through loving friends and compassionate church family.

But now there was truly nothing left of me. I was just broken, jagged pieces. Shattered. Scattered.

Thank God. THANK GOD for being who He is. Loving, gracious, compassionate. He rescued me, held me in His grip, hid me in His chest, cradled me in HIs arms, and wiped ever tear from my cheeks.

I buried my anger, I ate my way through my pain, gaining 20 pounds along the way, and denied my responsibility to live at peace with everyone, as far as it is possible, even with this woman.

I admit it. I don’t want to forgive her. I don’t want to release her from the consequences of her actions and love her — which is how I best understand forgiveness. I HURT. Still, even today, the pain is there. And my mind screams, “It’s not fair! Someone should pay for this!”

How ugly my heart is! How can I call myself a follower of Jesus when I will not follow Him into places in others’ lives that He willingly traverses in mine every second of the day? When I will not forgive another for something less than He has forgiven me? When I will not take captive these thoughts that set themselves up against Jesus’ very reason for suffering the humiliation of the cross and replace them with the choice to forgive, release and live at peace?

This must be what Paul meant when he said, “Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.” (Romans 7:24-25)

Yet he goes on to say (in chapter 8… who thought up these weird breaks in the Bible, anyway…??) that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (vs 1)… and furthermore, that we who have the Spirit of God living in us have power over the sinful nature… “So you should not be like cowering, fearful slaves. You should behave instead like God’s very own children, adopted into his family — calling him ‘Father, dear Father.’ For his Holy Spirit speaks to us deep in our hearts and tells us that we are God’s children. And since we are his children, we will share his treasures — for everything God gives to his Son, Christ, is ours, too.”

Father, help me! Help me obey You. Help me forgive Brenda.