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Choices

Every day I make them. One choice naturally leads me down a path to another. And another. When the alarm goes off, do I turn it off and crawl back in bed, or stay up and stretch, awaken my mind and get the day started? On and on it goes, till my mind shuts down and I fall asleep.

Then my subconscious takes over and begins making choices of its own, showing me in dreams those things I ignore, rail against and enjoy in waking life.

This morning’s dream was vivid, the taste of it remains even now, hours after waking. In it I made choices to leave the past in the past, even though it was tempting me to revisit. I made choices to decorate a new home, to patch holes in broken windows (hey, it worked in the dream), and begin — or continue — new conversations. I’m not in a mood to delve into the deep meanings of the dream. What remains of it is mainly a feeling of forward movement.

I’ve got many choices before me. I guess in that I’m very fortunate. There are people, even in this country, who’s choices are very limited. Some feel they don’t have any. I remember a time, not too long ago, when I felt the same. I don’t think it was the reality, because nothing in my circumstances has changed for the better; if anything my circumstances are grimmer this Christmas than last. My earnings have dropped substantially and my bills have grown.

What has changed is my perspective. I see the plethora of choices before me, whereas even a few months ago, I couldn’t see many, if any. That tends to leave a person feeling hopelessly stuck.

Seeing all the choices laying before me, I can’t help but sing. Even knowing that the choices I want to make each day will create more choices, and will take a lot of energy and determination to see through to the end… even still, my heart sings.

"Through the heartfelt mercies of our God, God’s Sunrise will break in upon us, shining on those in the darkness, those sitting in the shadow of death. Then showing us the way, one foot at a time, down the path of peace." — Luke 1:78-79

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Decisions

Life is an endless string of them. Why is that? Why is it that just when I think I’ve got it down, I’ve made my decision, the universe leads me around a corner and smack into another choice.

Grrr…

Some decisions I’ve made over the last few days haven’t led to new choices. Yet. Some decisions are in front of me right now because of choices made by others, which then requires that I make a choice. Kind of like a never-ending game of chess. Move. Counter-move. Counter-move to the counter-move… Ai-yah! My head hurts.

I suppose most people would find all this decision-making exciting, and grown-up-ish. I find it all quite annoying right now. I’d really like my life to settle down for a while, get a little normalcy going. I’ve been living like a nomadic nerfherder for so long it’s hard to remember what stability feels like. I have just enough memory of its taste to make my heart salivate for more, and cause my mind to insist its only a mirage.

Bill Sackheim once gave me a piece of advice — well, actually Bill was full of advice — but one nugget he gave me when I first started working with him came back to my mind with brutal force recently. He regretted having his name attached to a particular piece of… um, well, a movie… He could tell me exactly the day, hour, even minute that he knew the project was going south. But he kept his name attached, and, as Bill always did, worked his butt off desperately trying to salvage a once-decent script. It didn’t work. He hated the movie. And he hated the fact that his name was now forever linked with something that in his mind was a piece of garbage. His advice to me was, "the moment you smell the winds change and see the project headed in the toilet, get out. As fast as you can, get your name off the project and keep it off. Don’t let your name or reputation (and in Hollywood the two are synonymous) be soiled by a project you no longer believe in or like."

For many decisions I make, I write my name in pencil, because I’m just not sure. Some, I write in pen, because, while there are still a few lingering questions, I’m ready for that dotted line, and all that comes with it. Only one decision have I written my name in blood, because I was willing and ready to shed mine for that decision. That’s my decision to follow Jesus, no matter what it costs me. There is no other decision I will ever make in my life where I will sign in blood. None.

In Hollywood, contracts are signed in pen — though I’m sure some felt like they’d been in blood, for all the bloodletting that preceded the signing. Even the most binding of those contracts can be broken. To pull your name off a project may cost you a pretty penny, but it won’t cost you your life.

In the world of Christians, we usually don’t sign contracts. At least not officially. Yet, the commitment made on the part of one party to another can sometimes be confused with the commitment made to God. One, or all, of the parties may have unspoken — even subconscious — expectations that all signers have signed in blood, because, this is, after all, "Kingdom Work". What happens then, when a few, or even just one, of the parties isn’t happy with the direction the project is going? Can you pull your name off, or are you bound to it, even knowing that it is not the kind of "kingdom work" you want your name attached to?

And, most vexing of all, once I’ve signed in ink, can I erase it and go back to pencil?

The chess game goes on…

Perhaps after a year or two of what the rest of the world might call boring — you know, working the same job, living in the same country, that sort of things — I’ll be ready for some more turn-my-life-upside-down kind of stuff. But please, can I just have a year or two off the merry-go-round? I’m feeling a little nauseous.

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Oh What a Night

Man, did I pack a lot into tonight… and not on purpose.

First I went to Mosaic… that took a couple of hours — eating, talking to people, then listening to John talk and Lindsay sing.

Then shortly after I got home Nina called. We talked for nearly two hours (a "short" conversation for us). While talking to Nina, my oldest sister Paula called. I called her back after talking with Nina and talked her ear off for about an hour and a half. During all this talking and listening, I unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, cleaned up the kitchen and straightened up my room (can I get a hearty "WooHoo! We love headsets!!")…. I would have cleaned the bathroom too, but that would’ve been too noisy to really hear either of my sisters.

The last half hour or so I’ve been contemplating a variety of issues ranging from should Scott Peterson get the death penalty — while I’m pro death-penalty, I’m also pro-life… how do I balance these two convictions??… and, in the end, which will ultimately be the harshest punishment to fit Peterson’s crime? I gotta tell ya, I’m very, very glad I’m not on that jury! — to states rights, which I recently found out is a real hot-button phrase here in the South….

I wanted to, and planned to, go to bed early tonight, because I need to be into work early tomorrow. But I can’t get my mind to quiet down. It’s very excited about all these things that got churned up over the last few hours and it wants to chew on them. I wish I could convince it they could be chewed on while I sleep. Of course, that might make for interesting dreams….

Speaking of dreams, I had quite a crazy one this morning just before waking. I had fuzzy memories of it just after waking, but later in the day something triggered a memory of the dream, and I ended up spending all afternoon writing it down, picking it apart and sorting out it’s meaning. Afterward, I checked out a couple of "dream dictionaries" online, just to see if I could get more clarification on it through a few "universal" meanings of elements in my dream. Pretty much everything I read confirmed or backed up what I sensed was the meaning. On occasion it clarified some things… but mostly I look at those dictionaries a more fun than fact… dreams, like people, are highly individualistic. While I believe there are some things we universally identify with subconsciously, I don’t believe in that sort of thing happening across the board.

I won’t go into the details of the dream, but I will tell you that by the time I was done "analyzing" it I felt pretty confident that yesterday’s post wasn’t just pie-in-the-sky I’m-ignoring-reality-and-living-in-my-own-fantasyland stuff. My dream, to me, confirmed that my subconscious even believes I have turned a corner, that I’m getting rid of negative feelings, old patterns and moving into new, more positive ones, that I am conquering obstacles in my life, that I’m going through an inner transformation and have an internal passion that is being fanned into flame.

It was a wild dream, and took me on quite a series of adventures. Even just after awakening, as just the fuzziness of it remained, I felt… refreshed, is the best way to put it… like inhaling deeply of fresh mountain air early in the morning. Refreshing and invigorating. Later, when the whole dream came back and I was typing furiously to get as much detail out before it faded again, I felt even more invigorated. A good chunk of the dream had to do with something that would sound gross if I were to describe it, yet it’s something so very common to all our lives. So it was quite odd to have such a positive feeling and affect from dreaming about it.

Okay, just so you don’t go wading into the deep end and drown wondering what in the world I was dreaming… the portion I’m referring to had to do with pooping. Here’s what the dream dictionary had to say about this:

To dream that you have  a bowel movement, signifies that you are successfully getting rid of your  old habits/ways and thinking patterns.

I also dreamed of fire,

"Depending on the  context of your dream, to see fire in your dream can symbolizes  destruction, passion, desire, illumination, transformation, enlightenment,  or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new  is entering your life. Your thoughts and views are changing…. it is a  metaphor of your own internal fire and inner transformation. It also  represents your drive and motivation."

flying over and being in the mountains (specifically a mountain village),

If you are flying with ease and enjoying the scene and landscape below, then it suggests that you are on top of a situation. You have risen above something. It may also mean that you have gained a different perspective on things.
"To see mountains in your dream,  signifies many major obstacles and challenges that you have to overcome.  If you are on top of the mountain, then it signifies that you have  achieved and realized your goals. Alternatively, mountains denotes a higher realm of consciousness, knowledge, and spiritual truth."

…and George Clooney… don’t ask. šŸ™‚

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Peace and Love

There are some days I’m in love with my life.

Today is one of those days.

I live in Nashville. I live in freakin’ Nashville, ya’ll!! How cool is that! I love this town! I love the weather outside. It feels like Christmas, like the way I want Christmas to feel. It’s my favorite kind of weather, ever… very overcast and cold, and been lightly raining on and off all day. The Christmas lights shine warmer and sweeter in this kind of atmosphere.

But most of what’s caused me to fall in love with my life — or remember how much there is to love — is a sense of finally getting to a place of normalcy… a place where I’m coming to grips with who I am right now, what I want and that I’m finally ready to start loving and taking care of me.

I’ve been hanging out at home all day. It’s nice not to have to be somewhere. Just kicking back in my comfort clothes and watching a marathon of "America’s Next Top Model". I know, you probably think this is all just a bunch of "reality" tv tripe. But actually, I’m really learning lots about myself as I watch these episodes back-to-back. I’m learning a lot about how my own insecurities about myself have affected my life and the things I’ve tried to accomplish. I’m also see how I’ve sabotaged myself at times through either those insecurities or through my own nasty habit of avoidance and passive tendencies.

I’ve also realized how much of a ham I am. šŸ™‚ I’ve been posing with the models, from my little perch here on the couch. People often comment that I’m very photogenic and I’ve realized much more as I’ve watched how little of that has to do with my looks and how much of it has to do with my determination to allow my personality and that "sparkle" I have inside come out through my face, and especially my eyes. I have a tendency to sort of "pose" my insides on my face every time I see a camera — something Tyra Banks comments is very important for models to do, btw! I don’t know what it is I do… it’s not something I think of as much as it is an attitude I pull from within and "pop" onto my face. It’s just a small thing, but it’s part of who I am. Part of me that I like. And that’s an important step forward for me, as I rediscover myself and work to regain a peace about me.

I had an ultra-fine day yesterday, which adds to my peace and love today. I finally saw Jamie again after nearly three months. I’d seen him briefly in late October. But I hadn’t spent significant time with him in ages, There are just some people who make life totally worth all the agony. Jamie is one of those people. Something in his spirit, his soul, his personality — or all three — creates an incredibly warm atmosphere where ever he is. Not just warm, but "real". Jamie doesn’t play games, or wear masks. He is real, authentic. He absolutely knows who he is and he is completely at peace with that. Not that he doesn’t work at "becoming", he does. But he’s also very comfortable and happy in his own skin.

Maybe that’s why I love being around him, why I feel so much healthier, emotionally and spiritually, after being around him. One of the things I’ve been learning the last few months is how important it is for me to be at home and happy in my own skin, to be at peace with who I am right now. When I’m around Jamie, his peace just naturally rubs of on me. And life is just better.

I want to be like that. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be happy and at peace with myself right where I am, even while I’m working to better myself. And I think I’m finally on my way. This last couple of weeks I’ve been even more introspective than normal. I’ve been chewing on a lot of things, things about myself and my life that I’ve hated for a long time… my weight, for example, or where I find myself career-wise. Something has happened in the last few days. I’m not sure what exactly it is — though I’d like to figure it out because I’d like to repeat it — but I’m finding myself more at peace with who I am. I think part of it is just being real about who I am. Not just the weight issue. That, I think, is only one small piece of the whole picture.

There are many parts of me, of my personality, that I’ve either run from, denied or been embarrassed about. I’ve seen them as unfeminine, or unChrist-like. As I’ve been doing more digging into myself and being honest with myself, I’m realizing that my view of these things has been skewed either by others’ opinions and/or my perceptions of others’ opinions.

I’ve always admired and wondered how people live their lives without concern for how others perceive them or what others say to them about them. For so many years I’ve allowed what other people say, and my perception of what they mean by what they say, to impact my opinion of myself. I’ve lived this way as long as I can remember.

I know this blows the mind of some people who know me. Nina, for example, told me a few months back that her experience with me was always one that left her with the strong belief that I didn’t care what others think about me, that their opinions don’t affect me. But the truth is, their words and opinions have a power over me that frightens me.

So I adopted an attitude very early in life, as a way to protect myself. But people’s opinions of me matter far more than is healthy I think.

God’s  opinion of me is the only opinion that’s important. That’s the Truth. But putting that truth into practice and making it a reality in my life will take time. I’m now re-evaluating many things I’ve come to believe about me based on old opinions of others. I’m learning to "judge" myself based on what God says about me. I have to "reprogram" my mind. And, FINALLY,  I’m feeling up to the challenge.

Today has been good. I’m falling in love with myself and rediscovering all there is to love about my life. I’ve had a great day, relaxing, enjoyable and rejuvenating. Today it’s been good to be me. Thanks, God!

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Still Cranky

But Nina would be proud. I’m not taking it out on anyone… just sitting quietly in my office, and occasionally banging my head against the wall for fun…

Pilfered this from another blog’s archives…

last cigarette: early ’80s… I tried it, but couldn’t make sense of it so I quit trying
last car ride: this morning
last kiss: oh, let’s just don’t even go there…
last good cry: a few weeks ago, I’m due for another
last library book checked out: I haven’t checked out a library book since I graduated from high school…
last movie seen: The Incredibles with Nina and Toby
last book read: Egads! I can’t seem to finish a book these days…
last cuss word uttered: sh@#, or some variation thereof
last beverage drank: water, but I wish it was diet coke
last food consumed: mac ‘n cheese
last crush: Phil, in LA
last phone call: Wendy (on voicemail), Jamie – live and in person!
last tv show watched: West Wing
last time showered: this morning
last shoes worn: cool black boots I got last year at Norstrom’s rack
last cd played: Rita Springer
last item bought: Harry Potter 3 dvd from Target
last downloaded: updates for my Mac
last annoyance: my alarm clock this morning
last disappointment: Sunday night
last soda drank: diet coke
last thing written: blog post
last key used: car key
last word spoken: Bye
last sleep: midnight to about 7:30am
last im: Don’t use ims…
last sexual fantasy: hmm…
last ice cream eaten: Wow, I can’t remember!
last time amused: earlier today, as I broused a few Holidailies blogs
last time wanting to die: about a month ago
last time in love: too long ago… thanks for the reminder
last time hugged: A few weeks ago, by Nina before I left her house
last time scolded: a couple of weeks ago, via voicemail
last time resentful: See above
last chair sat in: nasty work desk chair… hate this thing
last lipstick used: Mocha Blast
last web page visited: India Tourism Site

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Crank-o-Meter – Extremely High

I’m so cranky today, you don’t even want to get in my space. If you have something against me and you’re looking for a fight, now’s the time to bring it on. If you want a sensible discussion, however, you better wait a few days…

I’m so tired, I just want to go back to bed and sleep for a week. I have a monster migraine, I can’t think straight, all I want for lunch is a small bag of chips but I don’t have enough change and all my usual change-hiding places are empty, and now in the course of hunting through my purse I somehow pushed the magic button my cell phone that made all the letters and numbers on the screen HUGE and left myself a voicemail full of scuffling sounds to boot.

Can I just go home and skipped the rest of the year?

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Nothing

New post from me (finally) in Cup of Chai.

I need to go to bed, but thought I’d add a quick note in here too… I have several posts started, but I can’t seem to finish them at the moment. I’ve had a tremendous amount of brain-lint I guess. I’ve been all fuzzy in the head today.

I’m incredibly restless these days. My body is even showing it. I can’t keep my legs from bouncing — one is always going, even when I’m typing. Unless, of course, my laptop is on my lap, as it is now. But my legs and body are just mimicking, I think, what my spirit is feeling. I don’t know what’s going on, exactly. But it’s really starting to get on my nerves.

I went for a drive after work. Thought that would help clear my head, and I’d get to see some cool Christmas lights while I was at it.

Nashville-ites are disappointing me. They don’t decorate up their property for the holidays nearly as much as I thought they would.

I kept asking God, "what’s wrong with me?" At first He didn’t answer. Maybe He knew I wasn’t yet really listening. Finally, He spoke up.

"Nothing." He said. "There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are perfect in every way."

Okay, now I’m all for warm-fuzzies, but this is just plain over-the-top, don’cha think? I mean, really. There is no way on God’s green earth that I’m "perfect in every way".

But God was resolute. He would say nothing more on the subject. But He would proudly repeat Himself three times over. Finally I quit asking Him.

I’m still very restless, even though I’m now also very exhausted, a little frustrated and a tad concerned about my own sanity. I still can’t keep my legs from bouncing. I still feel like I have lint for brains….

Does God really see me as "perfect in every way"?

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Mosaic – A Conversation

Lon referred to "the Mosaic Movement". Hmm…

I wouldn’t call it a movement. I like how Brian McLaren describes Emergent: it’s a conversation.

I think Mosaic is a conversation. Perhaps even a model. But I hope it never becomes a movement. A movement is what Christianity is supposed to be. Mosaic should never replace Jesus, should never even attempt to compete with Him, in that arena.

I read an article recently about the Emerging Church conference and it sounded very much like a regular Sunday morning at Mosaic, full of chaos, confusion, miscommunications, frustration on the part of some leaders because of the all the aforementioned… Yeah, that pretty much sums up many of the Sundays I spent at Mosaic/The Church on Brady.

So why did I stay? Because it is all worth it. All the chaos, frustration, confusion, miscommunication, long days, long nights… it’s all worth it. The community forged within that arena, the bonds we all share because of our common experiences and, more importantly, our common convictions and goals. I also believe in, and stand behind, Mosaic’s core values.

Core Values
Mission is why the church exists.
Love is the context for all mission.
Relevance to culture is not optional.
Structure must always submit to Spirit.
Creativity is the natural result of spirituality.

It’s an interesting thing, really. These core values were present when I first arrived, long before we changed our name to Mosaic, and even before Erwin was Lead Pastor. However, Erwin had the foresight, and insight, to distill them down to bite size phrases, as well as to sum up the main theme of our community and communicate them to a new generation of leaders hungry for community at its most primal level.

I believe the instilling of these core values into Church on Brady/Mosaic is owed to Bro. Tom, Carol Davis, and all the other staff, leaders and elders from Brady’s past. These core values expressed through people’s lives were the very things that attracted me to Brady.

I felt a strong sense of God’s presence as soon as I walked through the door. I knew the people here lived by their faith, not just expressed it on Sundays. Not only that, there was true community at Brady. I know Erwin is at times fond of talking about how he nixed the "Welcome" time because members were stepping over guests to greet each other. However, I never saw that in my years at Mosaic. In fact, to quite the contrary, I’m the product of members constantly greeting me. Even after I was serving on the sound team I was often greeted by members whom I had not yet met and who welcomed me warmly during that welcome time. I saw how much they loved the Lord through how the showered me with attention and love. I also saw servanthood modeled by staff and elders that I’d never seen before. I remember seeing a staff member straightening chairs and cleaning up trash between services. It’s an image that will long stay in my memory. My dad had served on staff and several churches, and I don’t ever remember seeing anyone on staff doing such "menial" labor. I was amazed, and I was hooked. I felt compelled to follow their leading. I also saw hope reflected in the lives of the people around me. They followed hard after Jesus, which means they often took hard blows in life. But they never gave up, never stopped serving Jesus, no matter what happened. They also never pretended to not hurt, or pretended all was well in life. They were honest about where they were and what they were feeling.

Mosaic’s roots are found in 2 Thessalonians 1:3-4. We strive to be a community:

Living by faith
Known by love
And is voice of hope to the world.

Ultimately, this is what we all strive to be at Mosaic. It’s fleshed out in the core values, but this is it at it’s most basic. If you want to be a part of the Mosaic conversation, this is the place to start. Community.

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In Memoriam – William Sackheim

My former boss died last week. I worked for this great man for over eight years. It’s a sad loss for everyone. He’s was a creative genious, a wonderful husband and father, a doting and proud grandfather, and a good man. He was a sweet curmudgeon. You’d asked him how he was doing and he’d inevitably say, "Oy! Don’t ask!" He’d complain about his million-dollar home and his expensive cars not working right… Yet the moment you needed anything or showed any signs of concern over any situation, he was right there with you, willing to help in any way he could and comforting you with soothing words and kindnesses. The world will be a lesser place without him in it….

William Sackheim, 84; TV Writer, Producer Won 2 Emmy Awards
By Dennis McLellan, Times Staff Writer