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Louis Goes Home

I wrote this last night… but didn’t have the heart or strength to finish it.

January 4, 2005 9:10pm
Louis went home to Jesus about an hour ago. Wendy called me a few minutes ago to let me know…

Thanks everyone for your prayers for him.

Please continue to pray for Lou and Betsy as they learn to live without their only son.

God Bless You, Lou and Betsy. Your loss is profound and no one can truly fathom the pain you now feel. Don’t rush through this time, as your heart will beg you to. Don’t bury the pain under stoic faces, phrases like "he’s in a better place," and "at least he’s no longer in pain." Yes, his pain is over. But yours is just beginning. And God longs for you to let it out and express it in any way you like. He longs to comfort you in the midst of it — just has He has over the past few years.

My heart aches for you. I hardly know you, but was so blessed by your faithful ministry. And it grieves me to know the dark road that lies ahead for you. I lost both my parents within 6 days of each other in July 2003. That’s how I ended up back in LA, for a time of healing.

Lou, you were a huge part of that healing. Your ministry through music was like a healing balm to my broken heart. And you’re kindnesses, encouragement and praise of my mixing nourished my soul and gave me courage to try to fly again.

I wish I had beautiful music and soothing words of comfort to offer you. But I don’t. No one can know the path you walk now. Except God. He knows every inch of it. And He will walk every step of it with you. Try to remember that, especially in the darkness. You have walked so far already, and He has been there. He is faithful. He will be there. Always.

I’m praying for you daily.

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Prayer for the Pardinis

There is a man I worked with while at Mosaic Beverly Hills. His name is Lou Pardini and he’s an amazing keyboardist/songwriter/singer. He was/is the musical director for the worship team there. I loved, I mean, loved working with him!! All the musicians there were amazing. Such talent mixed with humility. Man, that was such an awesome experience! I loved mixing them. It was a pleasure every Sunday. I miss them. I miss mixing them….

Wendy’s been sending me frequent updates on Lou’s son, Louis, who was diagnosed with cancer two years ago and has been in the fight of his life ever since. She posted an update today and the news wasn’t good. And yet it was:

BTW: Just a side note… yesterday Scott, Narda, John & I went to the hospital to see Lou/Louis/ & Betsy. We had an amazing time talking and sharing with Lou… and hearing the things that God had been teaching Lou. I learned yesterday that Louis almost died on New Years Eve. It is a miracle truly that he is still alive. Keep praying for him. The doctors are now saying the last chemo was not good. Every day, every moment is a miracle. Lou shared yesterday that he had told his friends two years ago that he wouldn’t have another moment of joy until Louis was free from his cancer…. And he told us yesterday he could not believe the kind of joy that God had given him in the last two years… along with the pain was such incredible joy… and you know it shows… and it’s beautiful.

I understand so well what Lou is talking about. There is nothing more exhilarating, more joy-filling than crying out to God in pain, frustration, anger, confusion, agony, and suddenly realizing you are standing in His presence, His deep abiding love and grace raining down and soaking you, enveloping you completely in His joyful celebration of you, His passionate affection for you, His gentle compassion for your wounds. The pain is still there, the problems haven’t disappeared, the situation hasn’t changed. But yet you feel such a deep, abiding joy. A joy you can’t explain.  A joy no one can touch. You know God heard you. You know God is there with you.

It’s like when you’re a child and your dad is holding and rocking you after you’ve fallen, comforting you with cooing and kisses. Your knees are still all scrapped and bleeding, they still sting with pain. You’ll still have to go through a time of healing. And it will all hurt for a while. But sitting there on his lap, wrapped up in his strong arms, head against his warm chest, you know you are safe, and loved. And in that moment, all of life is okay.

There is nothing in this world that can compare to the experience Lou and Betsy have had. I believe it’s the essence of true worship.

Thank you, Jesus, so much!, for Lou, Betsy and Louis. They have been a blessing to so many… more than they will ever know. Thank you for giving them this life-changing experience. What a deep well of love and grace, mercy, strength and joy they have to draw from now! You are so sweet to drink from! So soul-nourishing!

Father, I don’t know what your will is. My heart cries out for Louis’ healing. To lose him now… it just doesn’t seem right to me. I know You say death isn’t the end, but it sure feels (and looks) like it from here. But I’m not You. I cannot see what you can. Please, Jesus, let Your will be done now. Let no man or spirit hinder Your will being done in the lives of the Pardinis. Please give each one of them the strength, courage and grace to face the coming days…. and years. All our minutes are in Your hands, Lord. We cry out to You for mercy. We need you, Jesus. Rain on the Pardinis. I know You will. Please, Jesus, move heave and earth to keep the enemy away from them, that they will continually sense and know Your abiding presence each and every day.

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Wireless at Last

Yesterday Adria went out and purchased a LinkSys wireless hub-thing… whatever that’s called. At first we thought she was going to have to take it back, because the set-up cd wouldn’t run on her computer (a Mac iBook). Then she and I looked at the box and discovered the minimum requirements listed only Windows OS stuff. She was frustrated because she’d spent hours looking over every wifi unit to make sure the one she got would be compatible with our Macs. She went ahead and started following the directions, plugging the unit into our cable modem then connecting it with her computer. Then, as Macs love to do, her iBook discovered updates she needed to download, notified her and she automatically said yes… it took a bit for those to download, but once she disconnected… magically she was still connected to the Internet. She had all 4 bars showing on the airport. She was stunned and excited. So I opened my PowerBook and lo-and-behold! I had all 4 bars too!

Oh what joy my Mac is! No need for set up. Just plug and play. Cassie and Larry, I LOVE you both for helping me see the Mac light! Bless you, friends.

By the way, I’m posting this from my warm, soft, comfy bed…. ah, the joys of being wireless at last!

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Resolutions

I haven’t had New Years resolutions per se in many years.

Instead, what I do is to declare something that I’d like to learn in the new year, something I want God to teach me, something that I can discover, or rediscover or continue learning…

Then at the end of the year I summarize what I’ve learned (in my personal journal, the one no one will see until after I die) during the year. Often I realize that what I declared I wanted to learn is what I did indeed learn, but its almost always in ways I never expected the lessons to come. I’m almost always surprised to discover this fact. Life seems to sweep me along so much of the time, even though I determine to go "that-a-way," I so often find myself swept in what seems the opposite direction than I want to go. So, like "Much Afraid" in "Hinds Feet on High Places" I despair that I will never reach the high places I long to because my path is headed in the wrong direction, only to find myself closer than I ever dreamed when December 31st rolls around.

However, this year I’m breaking my no resolution tradition…. perhaps just for this year. We’ll see.

This year my one resolution is:
To Get Healthy.

There are four parts to that:
1) Physical — by losing weight through eating less and exercising more.
2)Emotional — by acknowledging and dealing with my emotions as I experience them
3) Spiritual — by spending significant time with God every day
4) Mental — by continuing to take my meds until my doc says the depression has been eliminated

I’ve already adjusted my grocery list to eat more veggies and fruits, but I refuse to go on any diet or deny myself the stuff I love. I know myself well enough to know I will never stick with such a thing. And what I do this year must become a permanent lifestyle thing so it has to be realistic and workable.

I once lost 40 pounds through the Weigh Down Workshop program. When I talked with my doctor a few weeks ago, what he described to me was pretty much what Weigh Down is: eating only when you’re hungry and stopping when your satisfied, which is a different feeling from full, and exercising three times a week for a half hour. Weigh Down also adds on that we often eat out of a spiritual, not physical, hunger. I can say a huge "Amen!" to that. 2004 was the year I ate myself sick trying desperately to simultaneously fill the holes mom and dad left and stuff down the grief and pain that daily threatened to swallow me whole. It didn’t work. All I accomplished was to add 30 pounds to my small frame. Weigh Down’s solution is to pay attention to what kind of hunger you feel. If you’re stomach isn’t growling yet you want to eat, that’s probably you’re spirit crying out for God. So feed your spirit instead of your stomach…

I believe with all my heart that Weigh Down provides me a great frame to lose that 30 pounds, along with another 20-30, in a healthy God-glorifying way. After all, it’s worked for me before — and not only did I lose 40 pounds, but my relationship with the Lord deepened greatly. That time was an amazing growth period for me, more than ever before.

But I’m also getting older. And I’ve realized this year that I need to start taking better care of me by exercising as well. It’s not so much about getting svelte for me, at least not this year, as it is about keeping my body flexible and healthy as I enter my 4th decade on this planet. I had to take a hard look at my past exercising experiences and admit that I’ve always taken on far more than I can handle, and done things that I mostly don’t enjoy, because I thought that’s how this physical fitness thing is done. That always ended badly, with me quitting after a while, frustrated, bored and discouraged.

I’m taking a more realistic route this time. Walking around my neighborhood, hiking some on the weekends (mild hikes to start with… I ain’t at Larry’s level yet!) and short visits to the gym in my complex. They have an elliptical machine — and I love those things! I also want to try rock climbing. Nashville has two climbing gyms. Helen climbs, or used to, and I’ve always thought that was very cool. I’ve wanted to try it for years but never lived near enough to a climbing gym to make it practical. However, the costs are rather high, so I may not get to heavily into it this year.

So why am I telling you all this? Well, I’m hoping ya’ll will help me with these resolutions. It would be great if every once in a while you could check in with me, ask me how I’m doing, help me stay on track and just generally encourage as I go along. And I will post updates as the year progresses — both good and bad.

I also hope that someone somewhere might get some encouragement on their own journeys to get healthy through reading about my journey. I’ve read through many different blogs over the years, and have gotten great encouragement from some of them as I read of their courageous determination to push through the pain in their quest to get healthy. I loved reading their stories and celebrating their victories. It gave me hope for my own life. That’s why I got into blogging in the first place; to bring hope to someone else.

So here’s to New Year’s Resolutions May we all see them through this year!

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Tsunami

I’ve stayed away from this subject because I can’t think of adequate words to describe the depth of sorrow and empathy in my heart for everyone touched by this tragedy. Many blogs have been focused on it all week, the news has been filled with new and unfolding details, and all my conversations have been peppered with it as well.

What can one say in the face of such disaster?

My heart breaks for everyone who’s lost someone they love, for all those — especially mothers — who had to make a choice between saving one child and letting another, or all others, die, or risking death for all of them because she can’t save them all, for all who watched others, especially loved ones, swept away by raging waters or dragged under by currents or buried under debris or cannot find their loved ones now. I cannot fathom the nightmares the survivors have, or the pain they are in. Nor can I fathom how much work is ahead of them to continue to survive.

To say that this tragedy puts my life in perspective is, to me, to trivialize it. This isn’t about me at all. It has nothing to do with me and has only impacted me on an emotional level that is so far below what others are currently experiencing its hideously selfish to even mention.

What can be done now?

So many are in need. So many will never be the same. Perhaps that is good. Perhaps it was time for a change for this region of the world. Hopefully, as the people rebuild, they will be able to see new possibilities and realize a better future for everyone who is left than what they had before. But I fear that will be a long time in coming. These folks are in for a very long, hard climb out of the rubble.

I’ve been amazed and proud to see the outpouring of support and help that has flooded the region. I’ve been very encouraged by the major corporations who have kicked in millions to support the relief effort, and even more so by all the individuals who have given millions through Red Cross and other organizations.

All we can do now is continue that flow. Continue to pray, continue to send —- and perhaps even volunteer to go. My brother called me last night and as we talked he mentioned that  World Vision desperately needs people to go to the region (he lives in Seattle where their headquarters is). They have a huge amount of money that’s poured in for the effort and now all that’s missing is people to go and do. I admit, I was very tempted to sign up right then. I don’t know what I could do, but I’m ready to go do whatever I can.

Wendy has written a couple of good posts on the Tsunami, and ways we can help.

Beyond this, the best I can think to do is continually pray for all those affected by this tragedy. They need strength, grace and hope only God can give.

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Happy New Year

Well, it’s official. I’ve now entered the year I turn 40.

Yikes.

That thought didn’t occur to me until a few days ago. And I started getting nervous. Nervous of all things! Me. The kid who’s always wanted to be older than she was. Always looked forward to her next birthday, couldn’t wait to turn 30, and usually starts saying she’s the next older age about six months before her birthday.

For the first time in my life (besides 2003, which doesn’t really count ’cause that was my first birthday after mom and dad died) I so do not want to reach my birthday.

Whew…. I’d planned a much happier, more positive post for this particular moment. But… well… here we are.

On a happier note, I talked with Nina shortly after midnight here and things are going very well at her home. We laughed over a shared memory both of us thought of a minute or so before we each entered the midnight hour…

When we were kids we used to go as a family out on our porch at midnight on New Years– regardless of where we were living and the temperature outside — and bang pots and pans as loud as we could and yell "Happy New Year!" at the top of our lungs. Usually everyone else in the neighborhood were in their own respective yards doing something similar

We always had so much fun on New Years eve. Eating popcorn, left over Christmas candy (my mom made the most awesomely fantastic Christmas candy ever!!), and left over turkey and fixin’s from Christmas dinner, laughing, playing games, and often watching family slides — family slides were like a huge treat for us. I can’t think of anything kids have today that could compare to that sort of treat. Pity. They have so much they can do right at their fingertips that nothing is special anymore, nothing is a treat. Pan-banging was the climax of the evening. Usually once that was done mom and dad were ready for bed. As Nina and I got older we’d usually stay up much later, but I probably would conk out not long after the banging in the new year. I say probably because I can’t honestly remember.

I do remember one particular New Years where our new neighbors were not so keen on our chosen way of "ringing" in the new year….. We were living in Casper, Wyoming. It was our second New Year there. We lived in a new housing complex and the house behind us had just recently been built. As we were banging away on our pots and yelling out to all the world to have a Happy New Year on our back porch, our neighbor in the house behind us yelled out his window that nobody cared and for us to shut up. Dad and mom were really upset. I was embarrassed at being yelled at, and a little confused. Why weren’t these people ringing in the new year like the rest of the world?

The last couple of years I’ve had a strong desire to grab a pan and big spoon and bang the crap out of ’em on New Years’. I think that’s in part to keep mom and dad alive in some small way. But I’ve always been to scared to do it, for fear of upsetting the neighbors and getting yelled at again.

Isn’t that weird. Nearly 40 years old and I’m still intimidated by my neighbors. Maybe that’s something I should change in 2005….

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This Will Sound Strange…

…but why do we make such a huge deal about New Year’s?

A little while ago I watched the ball drop in New York. A few minutes ago CNN was showing how various countries rung in the New Year. Fox News is now broadcasting from someplace around downtown Nashville (we have 29 minutes to go…).

Why do we do this? When did this start? What makes flipping from 11:59p to 12:00m so special just because we also go from  December 31 to January 1…?

It’s just like every other night. This happens every 24 hours. Yet every 365 (or 366) days we make a huge party out of it. Why is that? Why do people feel the need to really party it up huge this one night?

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I think New Year’s celebrations are stupid or unimportant. I have several markers I "celebrate" every year. New Year’s is one of them. I just can’t seem to answer this particular question in a way that satifies my own mind. At least not tonight.

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In the News

ABC News: People of the Year: Bloggers

Watching the news and reading some of my favorite blogs… and suddenly the news was talking about… ME!

Well, okay, not me specifically. Me in universal general. Me, the blogger. US, as bloggers, to be more accurate. They declared us part of their "People of the Year" for 2004.

It may surprise you (or not) to know I started my first on-line journal back in mid-2000. I had — still have, actually, though I haven’t updated it in a year — a Yahoo/Geocities website where I started a journal. Even though adding entries was a cumbersome and frustrating process, I continued my journal until I went to India and only stopped doing it because I just didn’t have the time.

After I came back, however, I typed up most of my personal (hand written) journal entries, then copied and pasted them to Yahoo PageBuider pages, calling it "Letters from India". I loved keeping the journal — found it fun just to know that someone other than me had access to and might possibly read — and hopefully identify with — my thoughts, ideas, opinions, questions and experiences. But the frustration of trying to add entries finally got to me and I quit updating it by the end of 2001. I often wanted to start again, but just couldn’t deal with the time and energy it took to update and add text to my Yahoo site. so I was very excited when I found Blogger and discovered they do the work for me. Yippee!

Hooray for Bloggers!

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Bought It

I couldn’t stand it any longer. I wanted to finish Failing Forward and Amazon wasn’t going to ship it to me ’till mid next week (the drawback of their free shipping) and then it would take 3-5 days beyond that. Grrr! I have a nice, quiet 4-day weekend starting tomorrow and I really want to just sit and soak up a good book.

So I ran down to Borders on my lunch break and picked up a copy. It cost me $6 more than it would’ve from Amazon, but I figure it’s worth it not to have to wait (I also bought "Developing the Leader Within You", just in case I devour the rest of FF before the weekend is over).

I tend to hit a point where I just don’t have patience anymore. I’ve thought and considered and turned the idea around in my head so many times I know every nuance and facet of it. So once I’ve made the decision to go for "it" (whatever it may be), I want to move now. That doesn’t always serve me well in life, since much of life with others is waiting on them to get their crap together. But, then again, many of them have had to wait on me to make up my mind and get my crap together, so I guess in the end it all comes out even…

However, my impatience does serve me well at other times. Like today. Now I’m set for the weekend….

….And the president just stuck his head in my doorway and told me to go home now. 🙂 WooHoo! No need to tell me twice. Ah, the weekend finally begins…

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Dreaming of Dead People

I wrote this yesterday…. I thought I hit "Publish" but I hit "Save as Draft" instead. Proof that my brains are full of cotton and snot right now….

December 29, 2004 — 12:30pm
I’m about to go out of my mind. I can’t think straight to save my life (how I think this entry will make sense to anyone is beyond me), my nose, which finally quite running about an hour ago, is so painful to the touch it makes me cry — which doesn’t help with the runny-ness — my throat feels like I just screamed my heart out at a Panthers game for 10 hours straight (if only!), my head is so full of cotton and snot that I can’t hear myself think — forget hearing other people talk! — my chest feels like a huge elephant has taken up residence on it and I’m so tired I’m about to do a face-plant into my keyboard even as I type (wouldn’t that be attractive — the president of the organization comes in to ask me a question and I’ve got the imprint of the F5 through F8 keys on my forehead).

I want to go home so bad I can hardly stand it. But I’m the only one on our team in the office this week, and given that my hours are getting cut back to next to nothing next week, I gotta get all I can into this week. Thank God the office is closed Friday. I have a genuine excuse to lay around the apartment all day in my pjs, doing my best death-groan and generally being as anti-social as I currently feel, but cannot express.

I miss my old life in LA very badly right now. As I hauled my lead-filled body around the apartment this morning getting ready for work, I had a potent flash of the Paramount lot — green grass, beautiful park-like settings, rows of huge airplane-hanger studios, makeup trailers and goodie carts everywhere. Oh, how I miss the campus feel of a studio lot!! Whatever you need is right at your fingertips. No need to drive anywhere. Need a dry cleaner? Over by the mailroom. Bagels and cream cheese? The cart in front of the Bluhdorn. Stocking stuffers? Go to the company store. Magazines? Snack? Smoothie? Kiosk. Hair salon? Yep, got that too.

Even the quiet after-Christmas-pre-New-Year dead-ness every studio has during this time of year would be a welcome gift to me.

Security. Belonging. Safety. Friendship. Fun. That’s what a studio lot signifies in my heart. How I long for those things right now! Oh, to go back in time, to a magical period of Paramount employment surrounded by friends and safely ensconced in my entertainment life and Mosaic world…. It would be like falling into a feathery-soft, warm bed and drawing the fluffy comforter all the way up to your chin… Warm, inviting, comforting, enveloping. Peaceful.

Ugh, just writing that made me miss my bed all the more. Isn’t it time to go home yet????

I was so ready to get another producer’s assistant job and just settle into life in LA before God stirred me up for Nashville. All I want, all I’ve really wanted all year, was to nest for a while. To curl up in a warm home and rest my head on soft pillows, like I watched Nina’s dogs do this weekend. Yes, I want to live like a dog for awhile. Someone feed me, love on me and let me hang out at home while they go do all those silly busy things of life we all get caught up in.

God stirred up my heart — dreams awakened and stretched their limbs. Energy surged. For a while I felt rejuvenate and ready to re-enter the world. That energy carried me quite a while before the dreams faltered… faded… ran for cover…. —- what did happen to them???

December arrived, bringing with it the allure of a new year. New beginnings. Fresh starts. The promise of January always arouses hope in my heart — no matter how deep its buried. Each day I got more fired up. Ready to start new ventures, make fresh starts on "old" ones. Forget turning over those leaves, let’s just rake ’em up into a pile and jump in and play awhile.

I guess I developed a case of the holiday blues along with my cold. More accurately it’s the post-holiday blues. I did okay through the holidays, but now that they’re over, some of the shine seems to have worn off the reality of life. Something about those little white twinkle lights seems to soften all of life and put a warm glow over everything. Now that Christmas is over, and it’s time to take the buggers down, life seems to have lost some of it’s magic.