| Your Hidden Talent |
 You’re the type of person who can turn a whole room around. The potential for great leadership is there, as long as you don’t abuse it. Always remember, you have a lot more power over people than you might think! |
| Your Hidden Talent |
 And while this may not seem big, it can be. It’s people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes. You’re just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices. |
A special shout out to Carlos Whittaker, Ragamuffin Soul who somehow found me in the vastness of the internet (two Riverside, CA "children" blogging our journeys with Jesus) and blogrolled me as someone he reads every day.
Wow.
I’m honored Carlos! Especially knowing that a busy musician/worship pastor/husband/father has many other things he could be doing with his time.
May all that you do for the Kingdom, and every place your feet land be blessed and consecrated for God’s most amazing purpose.
I found this blog, Being Real with Ourselves by following a link from my stats report. Neal Christopher is a pastor at a church called Sandals in my high school hometown of Riverside.
I really like the title of his blog. It just struck a cord with me the moment I first stepped "into" it. So often in my life I have not been real with myself! How can I be real with others if I can’t even be so with the one human being who knows me inside and out — ME?
And if I can’t be real with me, how can I be real with God? If I’m hiding from myself, who knows all (or at least most) of my secrets (some I’ve hidden so well, I no longer "remember" them) but is biased and subjective enough to always see things "my way" —if I can’t be real with such a biased audience, then of course I’m going to hide from the One, the only One, who can see all of me, who knows my every thought before I do, and knows even the secrets I’ve hidden from myself, and Who is not subjective and biased, but Just and Righteous.
"Being Real With Ourselves." I want that. I want that kind of community. I’m trying to be that now. It’s hard to break a lifetime habit of running. But I like the freedom I experience when I stop running and just get real.
You’ve got all things suspended
All things connected
Nothing was forgotten
Your love was perfect
You are Healer and
You know what’s broken
We’re not a mystery to you.
Mended – by Nathan and Christy Nockels
To all courageous adventurers, past, present and future, willing to put their lives on the line, sacrifice all they are and know in the name of Knowledge, Restoration and Discovery: Godspeed.
But I’m moving forward anyway.
I’ve been looking around for new places to live. And I haven’t been paying too close attention to my budget to know if I really "should" be looking at places that expensive. Heck, I have a couple of months before I need to move, I guess I could afford a little time to dream (Wendy, are you sure you don’t want to move out here???).
I long for a community, especially one with some of my peers in it. I know that probably sounds retarded, but, well, it’s just that it would be so nice to have some older women here in Nashville I could actually hang out with. I miss my girlfriends back in LA. Women like Wendy, Kat, Leticia, Kim, Kim South, Rachel, Holly, Kristin, Joyce, Deb — and Conna!!!! (who’s no longer in LA). I miss being able to be with women who really understand and get where I’m at in life. Women who get me. Women I can feel comfortable with and just let my hair down; who get my jokes and movie references because they actually saw those movies in the theatre. —- Wow. I never thought I’d say such things. I sound so old, don’t I.
I guess that’s the truth I’ve realized recently. I really am old. At least compared to all these young girls around me at Mosaic Nashville. Youn 20s, some still in college, or just recently out. To them life is fresh and ripe with possibilities. They’re too young to understand crushed dreams, major heartbreak and the crashing in of reality and time. Oh, they think they have. I remember those days. Every new lesson from God was an earthshattering event. Every break up or crush that didn’t reciprocate was cause for deep soul-searching as to what was wrong with me (or him) that it didn’t work out. I was focused on God and living out my dreams and thought I knew pretty much all I needed to know. And every single woman around 40 was a person to be pitied and avoided. Pitied for her sad situation in life and avoided so I wouldn’t have to think about the possibility that I might end up just like her.
But then I got older. My 30s arrived and I started truly appreciating all that older women have to offer. I miss women like Karin, Carol, Kristin, Norma, Laura and Kim who were older and wiser than me and poured into me, gave me such sound counsel and encouragement. Its been hard to be the oldest woman in the group. Heck, the oldest person in the group. And I’m not even 40 yet.
I want to find some community with real women, not young girls still dreaming of womanhood. —No offense to all you 20-somethings out there.
I have found one woman friend, and I think I found another this weekend. It was so good to talk to someone older than me that could understand and relate to all I’ve gone through!! Two is a good start, don’t you think?
So off I go. Into God knows what. Looking for God knows what.
I hope I find it.
It’s done. It is no more. What began as a small rag-tag group meeting in the park last August ended with a much larger and somewhat different group meeting in "the living room" for the last time.
Stones marked our journey, as we piled them into what will eventually become a lamp. I put one in just to mark that I was there once, like scratching my name into my desk on the last day of school.
I’m sad. Looking around the room tonight, I knew I had been a part of something unique and special. And I knew that we will probably never capture that again.
Some may argue that that isn’t a thing to mourn. They are mistaken. Every loss in life is worthy of mourning. We must take time to mourn, even the small losses in life. We must take time to acknowledge that our hearts are rended each time something or someone we love and have invested in is separated from us. If we don’t take that time, the wounds of our loss will become infected with bitterness.
I’m exhausted too. My eyes want to close even as I type. It’s been a heck of an emotional rollercoaster ride the last week or so, which is more wearing on the body than hard labor. And I feel it, to my bones.
But I also feel released, free. I’m no longer obligated or invested in Mosaic. It’s as if some invisible ties to "the past" have been cut (not sure what that means exactly, it’s just the way I feel) and I’m free to investigate the rest of Nashville, see what’s out there and if, perhaps, God brought me here for a different purpose than I thought.
This is what the LORD says– he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, who drew out the chariots and horses, the army and reinforcements together, and they lay there, never to rise again, extinguished, snuffed out like a wick:
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." — Isa 43:16-19
As I’ve thought over my posts on the Mosaic Nashville forum and over the posts here in my blog, I have come to the strong conviction that I really messed up here.
I have offended many and hurt others — and even done both to many people. That was never my intention or my desire. My blog has always just been an extension of my own mind; a place I could free put in print the things I am currently chewing on or have to say — to whom ever may stop by. It was never intended as a weapon with which to hurt people with my words.
I have heard from someone I care deeply about who shared with me that many of the AM Mosaic people are talking about my posts and wondering what’s going on with me. Because they don’t know me, or know my heart, my words have confused, offended and baffled them. It had been heavy on my heart even yesterday that I had, with all good intentions to the contrary, completely screwed up by speaking up on the forum and leaving links leading here where my words could hurt or offend people I don’t even know yet.
I am deeply grieved by even the possibility that my words have caused hurt and offense when my heart and intentions in writing those words were just the opposite. I’m so sorry!
Will you forgive me?
I started reading Randy Elrod’s blog shortly after he started it. He sent out an email to all of us serving with the People’s Church media team. I hadn’t checked in there in a while, but today I did. I found an incredible article he’s written about Leading by Blogging. Check it out. Here’s a few snippets that most resonated with me.
Through my blog, not only my paid staff, but also my lay ministers, and even my entire church body can begin to understand my ethos… This medium also promotes a new kind of community. The post-modern generation understands and utilizes this tool. They may not know the word blog… yet, but they certainly know about Xanga or MySpace. These are in essence blogging communities and interactive spaces that promote discourse and knowledge. Enabling and allowing comments to each of your blog posts gives opportunity for this type of interactivity. It is a new type of community that the next generation understands. This medium is a Ânon-linear communication tool that is fluid enough to be attractive to the post-modern culture.
Blogging also develops writing and communication skills. Anything done on a consistent basis will prove beneficial, and if your blog is to be read, daily posts are a must! This discipline has greatly enhanced my confidence and growth as a leader and communicator.
"Come," [Jesus] said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Matt 14:29-30
Twelve years ago I moved into my first all-by-my-self apartment. I’d always lived with roommates up to that time. I was very scared. I’d figured out that with all my bills I would barely make it to the end of the month on my paychecks. For the first time I would seriously be living paycheck-to-paycheck. If anything went wrong, if anything major happened I’d be in a world of hurt.
But it was the only option for me at the time. I had been without a church home for nearly four years, so I didn’t have a "church resource" from which to find a roommate. And all my friends were happy in their current living situations and not looking, or wanting, to change. So there I was, signing a lease for my very own private apartment.
I was just starting to get my relationship with God back on track after having wandered off during those 4 years. It is really very difficult to keep your relationship with God intimate and growing when you don’t have a community of committed believers around you. I don’t know why, it just is.
I prayed and cried out to God daily regarding my fear over this new situation. — small aside: you may have noted a "small" theme running through my posts; fear tends to be a constant in my life. For many years it factored into all my decisions. But for the last 12 years I have steadily worked to not allow my fear to stop me from pursuing God no matter where He goes, and each time I’ve chosen to step out in faith has taken less time than the choice before. — As I cried out to God in my fear, He led me to this passage and gave me a command. "Don’t look down."
See, Peter had the courage to step out and pursue Jesus. He could have said, "If it’s really you, Jesus; come and save us!!!!! Can’t you see we’re in danger here???" But Peter defied all logical reason and said, "if that’s really you, call me out! I wanna be where YOU are!!"
I didn’t have the words or the wisdom to know that this is what I was saying to God those 12 years ago. But I knew my life was in shambles. I knew I had become the Prodigal Daughter for the second time in my young life, and I wanted to come home. More than anything, I wanted to come home!
The same weekend I found that small "junior one-bedroom" (really a glorified large single/studio), I’d gone to my first service at Mosaic. I walked in the door and the Holy Spirit blasted me with His heat, like stepping out of a refrigerator-cold house and into the Phoenix noonday sun in the middle of a heat wave. It was overpowering. I was surrounded, enveloped and invaded by the Spirit and I loved it! I was home!! I’d been to Mosaic (then called Church on Brady) only once before, 10 years prior to that moment, but that November Sunday morning I felt like I’d just walked in the door of my childhood home. It was so sweet. I begged God to let me come home, let me stay. I’d wash toilets or whatever just to be there. All I wanted was to be where He was. "Call me out, Jesus! I wanna be where You are! And I KNOW You are here! I’ll do whatever You want. Go where ever You ask. Do whatever You say. No matter the cost. No turning back."
Thing is, when you decide to step out of your boat and go where Jesus is, you start seeing things that aren’t supposed to be see-able. Peter saw the wind. Hel-lo!! You can see the effects of the wind. But The Wind???? Whoa. What drugs you been takin’, son?!
But that’s the thing! When you step out into God’s World, you see the things that cannot be seen in the Human World. And it will Freak. You. Out. You start realizing you aren’t on solid ground anymore. Life just moved into the supernatural and that’s just not a place we humans are used to living.
I was still too young and dumb to realize all this in 1993. But God gave me words of wisdom to hang on to anyway: "Don’t look down. When the finances feel stretched to the limit, keep looking at Me. When the income doesn’t add up, keep looking at Me. When things get scary and stuff starts happening you can’t explain, don’t look down. Keep your eyes on Me. No matter what happens, Don’t. Look. Down. Keep your eyes on ME."
The other thing about stepping out of the boat is, well, as odd as it sounds, you have to keep stepping out. It’s not that you get back in (well, some do and it is a possibility), it’s that you gradually come to accept and get comfortable in your little "plot of water". And as soon as you do, Jesus calls you further. The last 12 years have been a continual calling out; we go further and further away from the boat. The last 5 years in particular have been bigger steps each time. And for the last three years God hasn’t allowed me to even get comfortable in my little plot before calling me farther. I keep waiting for the day I can settle in for a bit. But, alas, that doesn’t seem to be in His plan for me anymore.
Last night, Jesus and I talked again at length about my current personal situation and all the overwhelming crap I have on my plate, how I can’t seem to get settled anywhere before being moved on — and that’s without including the merge stuff. As we talked He quietly reminded me, "Don’t look down."
Two years ago today, around 5am, mom died. She’s now in heaven with her Beloved, and her earthly lover. No more dementia, no more living in a mental fog, no more wearing Depends, no more wheel-chair boundaries, no more suffering or pain. She’s young and restored to her youthful beauty. Thank you Jesus! I know she is in a better place.
But I miss her more than my heart can bear!
PS — Yes, my parents died six days apart. Six months apart in age, nearly 61 years of marriage, over 65 years of knowing each other… God knew what He was doing when He brought them home together. Dad first, because a gentleman always goes a little before the lady and prepares the way, opening doors and clearing the path for her. It was the best for both of them.
But those of us left behind still struggle with the gaping holes the loss of these two wonderful saints of God left in our lives.
Oh, my baby, when you’re cryin’
Never hide your face from me
I’ve conquered hell and driven out the demons
I have come with a life to set you free
Oh, my baby, when you’re dying
Believe the healing of His hand
Here in Heaven we will wait for your arrival
Here in Heaven you will finally understand
Here in Heaven we will wait for your arrival
Here in Heaven you will finally understand
Worry not my daughters,
Worry not my sons
Child, when life don’t seem worth livin’
Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms
"Come To Jesus" – by Mindy Smith