Yeah, that's about it….

For 83 days now I have looked for a new job in an economy that absolutely sucks and just keeps surprising me with how much worse it can get as each day passes. I've had a couple of interviews but so far I'm still unemployed.

I finally broke down today and filed for unemployment. Yeah, I know — many would say I should have done that day one, but can I tell you how utterly depressing it is to file that stuff? Online or in person, it doesn't matter: it just sucks. And since I'm often all about avoiding that which sucks whenever possible, well, I just kept putting it off. But now the deed is finally done. Good thing, too. The severance runs out this week. Now we start digging into school loans and savings.

There are days when life is good and I feel safe, secure, loved, and sheltered by God despite my current circumstances. Those days are like a little taste of heaven on earth. I'm filled with happiness, contentment, and peace about the future — whatever it holds. Sometimes I can even see a glimpse of God's wisdom and goodness in giving me this "extended vacation."

But then there are days like today, where I struggle to keep breathing deeply and remembering Whose child I am, so as to stave off the panic attacks that are looming over me, ready to devour me whole. These days are difficult, discouraging, frustrating, anxiety-ridden, and very long. The worst of it seems to come after sunset. For some reason darkness outside my windows fuels my fears and depression. I'm not so much afraid of the dark as I am afraid in the dark.

There isn't much I can do to lift my own spirits on days like these. The only thing I know to do, really, is to cry out to Papa, 'please help me! I'm really scared and I feel all alone and lost. Please help me.'

Worshiping helps too, as odd as that sounds.

….Well, that, and dancing around my house like a maniac to my rockin' iTunes "Celebrate The 80s" mix…. but we won't go there right now….

When I listen to songs like Chris Tomlin's "Exalted (Yahweh)," or Tenth Avenue North's "Hallelujah" I am carried to a different place; a place near the throne and majesty and warm holiness of God, my Papa. I turn up the volume and just let the music remind me of His constant presence, and His unfathomable holiness and greatness.

I recently heard someone pray that God would raise us up above the current storms of life so that we could be at peace. As I listened I honestly found myself wholeheartedly disagreeing with this prayer. I don't want to be lifted up above my current storms. I want to find peace in the midst of the storms. I want to be able to rest in the care of God no matter what circumstances befall me. I don't want my trust and peace in Him to be situation-dependent.

These are days to be endured, I think, rather than soared above, if that makes sense. These hard days teach me to trust and rest in peace even when economic hurricanes and emotional tornadoes wreak havoc with the terrain of my life. They teach me to remember that my strength and hope come from God, not from my own perspective of my situation…. does that make sense?

So, this is me, today, enduring a hard day, worshiping Papa and Jesus, grateful for their love and lavish attention…. and hoping tomorrow brings a new job with it. But trusting that Papa has got me covered no matter what.

The country once divided over slavery of another race has now elected as president a man from that same once-enslaved race. A country who lost a great president because of his determination to not only end slavery but keep the United States united has now elected as president a man for whom that great president so long ago died fighting to restore freedom and liberty.

Lincoln would be proud of that.

I have so often been troubled by the divisiveness that can arise between people simply because of one's skin color. I spent most of my early childhood completely colorblind. I had no idea that my best friend in kindergarten was "black" and I was not. I just knew I loved hanging out with her. Nor did I realize that one of my closest friends in jr high was Latina and I was not…. No idea. Yeah, I can be a little…blind at times. :)  Until my sister received a big beat down by some girls from who school who did not like the color of our skin; who felt we owed them…. something… because we are white — did it ever dawn on me that color matters to some people.

I hate that. I hate that there are those in this world who look down on others with a different color of skin, different ethnicity, different… whatever. I hate it.

I always thought that the goal of uniting in diversity was to not notice another's skin color; to be colorblind. But this last year I've come to realize that it's not about not noticing our skin color/ethnicity, it's about celebrating the differences that strengthen us as a whole.

Nicole C. Mullins said at the Women of Faith conference in September, "it's okay to notice someone's color. Just don't stop there." It was good to hear that from a woman "of color." Sometimes we need those who are different from us to acknowledge those differences and give us permission to do the same before we can relax and see beyond them.

I disagree with our new President-elect on nearly every issue and ideal he articulated during this past election season. I'm a die-hard libertarian/Austrian School of economics gal, so a Progressive agenda just doesn't sit right with me. Individual liberty trumps collectivism almost every time in my book.

So in that respect I struggled tonight; I struggled to be happy or excited for our country. Rather, I worry for her.

Yet, at the same time, I am deeply proud of my country. Deeply proud. What happened today is historic, and that deserves to be celebrated.

I woke up several times during the night/morning to the beautiful sound of rain. It was the first night all month that was cool enough to have the windows open, so the sound was even more beautiful to hear than just the tapping on the roof. I could hear it dancing on the grass, the trees, and the wooden deck.

I slept till I wasn’t really sleepy then spent the rest of the morning sitting by my corner windows, in my dad’s chair, reading and listening to a thunderstorm roll through. It was the most amazing, wonderful morning I’ve had in ages; the perfect weather, and the perfect morning. I didn’t budge from my perch by the windows till after noon, when hunger finally drove me to the kitchen in search of sustenance.

I’ve spent most of the rest of my day reading, and swinging on my porch swing and just watching the world go by.

It’s days like today that I wish time would just stop and let me soak it all in; the beauty all around me, the comfort within my home, the peace and serenity of solitude…. Alone with God and not afraid. Alone with God and not confused. Just alone with God and soaking it in.

I needed today. More than anyone (but God) could have known. Certainly I didn’t know how much I needed to just be silent, and to silence the noise in my soul. No homework, no recovery work, no work-work, no doings, no performance, no busy-ness, no agenda to accomplish, no to-do lists to get through… just rest, silence and restoration.

There really is a God who can, and will, restore me to sanity if I will but let Him. Today I think He did.

My tax return came and I decided it was time to upgrade from my 4 year-old G4 PowerBook (still with its original Panther OS!). So here's my new way to do homework (and blog, and listen to music, and watch videos, and…. goodness this thing does everything but cook!). I'm lovin' it. It is soooo fast and has so many new features and things to play with and while away hour after hour…. Please note the absence of school books. They are actually still sitting in my backpack. I haven't removed them from there since I got this bundle of joy Tuesday night. Nor have I managed to get to bed before 1am. Perhaps tonight…. naaawww!

I've been busy with school, work, life, healing, and other amazing God-gifts of Life. I'm forever amazed at how He embraces me and just loves on me even when I'm freaking out, or messing up big time, or think I'm messing up big time…

I've been in the process of deconstructing my beliefs and convictions about God so I have room in my heart for the real God, not the one I seem to think He is. Long story. Long post, actually. Perhaps soon I'll have something less than 6,000 words to share with you on this crazy new journey I'm on.

But for now I really do need to get to bed. So I'll leave you with a couple of pics I had fun taking with my new built-in iSight camera.

I've heard about meeting yourself going and coming but this is ridiculous!

Oooo, look! I'm Jay Leno in drag!!

Yes. It's true. I'm a dork.

Current verses on my mind:

God didn't go to all the
trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling
the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right
again. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted… — John 3:17-18 in The Message

Curent movie I L-O-V-E lovedand must see again: The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
   My sister said recently that when she was first reading the Narnia books, she saw me as Lucy — or Lucy as me… Either way you put it, it was a HUGE compliment to me. I would love to be Lucy; to  emulate her unwavering faith and trust in Aslan.

Current song stuck in my head: "You're Gonna Miss This" – Trace Atkins

Current podcast I'm replaying over and over: Andy Stanley's "Faith, Hope, and Luck
Holy crap, this series is kicking my butt, and reshaping my paradigm of faith and hope

Current book reshaping my paradigm: The Shack by William P. Young
   Ditto the above — but this one is reshaping my view of God; more on this soon

Coming Movie I'm dying to see this summer: WALL-E

….more to come…

First, let me share with you what Marti wrote:

My church meets in an old warehouse, or anyway, the anchor to a defunct
shopping center. It was ugly. The old-timers kind of liked that, as it
harkened back to the day when they moved from one school to another…
they didn’t want things too nice. Nobody EVER got married there. After
we paid off the mortgage, fixed the leakin’ roof, etc, God provided a
major donor who gave a $1 million anonymous gift with no strings
attached. The mission committee got a tithe of it, which was cool, and
a lot of other good stuff happened too. Sadly, giving dropped; this was
about five years ago and we’ve yet to recover. However, somewhere in
there the elders decided to use part of ‘the big taco’ (as the $1
million was affectionately called) to build a new sanctuary inside out
building. It feels like a living room. It has niches for prayer. It has
pretty, ivory-colored walls. I was glad we didn’t spend all our money
on this, but it helps to have a comfortable, attractive environment. It
makes a difference. So does our new worship leader, and particularly,
his adorable wife with the great voice who leads our singing most
Sunday mornings. We sound great with her leading us. And she can do new
stuff, old stuff, in-between stuff just as well. I’m glad God gives us
so many ways to worship.

As I read her comment, especially when she began describing her church’s current set up,  I was reminded of the last six or so months of our old church plant here in Nashville (before it was decided the plant would merge with an already established Mosaic in town). We
revamped it after a jolting shift in our leadership, and part of the revamp was to completely change our approach to our "service" time. Instead of coming at it from a typical worship service mind-set, formatting it with music and then teaching, we instead approached it as if it were a giant Life Group (small group, or cell group; some now call them Community Groups). This one change in focus changed the whole dynamic and
feel of our times together, and opened the door for God to dwell among and within us at an ever deepening level. (please note this post continues after the jump — see below)

Truth was, we really were just and overgrown Life
Group anyway (about 30 of us at that time, I think) but we didn’t have
the community of a Life Group yet. What we really wanted, and needed,
to focus on was creating community, rather than creating another church
service. The best way to do that was to refocus our efforts on building
community first, then add the rest of the worship service elements
later. So we started meeting as a Life Group would meet — opening together in one large group with an ice-breaker and then a Scripture
reading, then breaking into smaller groups to discuss the passage/topic, finally coming back
together for the last 15 minutes or so to share our insights with everyone.

We revamped the space we had as well, turning the small television studio we rented into a large living room with old, hand-me-down (or thrown out)
pieces of furniture as well as donated pillows, rugs, and other such
living room accoutrements; in effect creating an atmosphere of warmth,
family, and home.  My friend Jamie, who is sick with talent (just
plain oozes talent period!) for creating powerful, attractive, dynamic,
inviting atmosphere was in charge of this aspect, and he did an
incredible job.

I. Loved. It. I absolutely loved it. It was an
amazing time. I had never experienced "church" like that — and never
have since.

I
think what our little MosaicPlant (I call it this to distinguish it
from the other Mosaic in town) stumbled into was what a "house church"
is really meant to be (including being reproducible). Nothing about it was conventional, and nearly
everything about it invited and welcomed anyone and everyone to
just hang out in the living room and experience God in the midst of
community. And we did.

I don’t think there was a night we met in that space, in
that living room, that we didn’t meet God there and experience Him,
perhaps even on a little deeper level than what we had before; that was true
for me, at least. I believe we created an atmosphere there, an ethos,
of communion with God; one that invited God into our space and made
room for Him to move and speak and settle in and dwell among and within
us.

It wasn’t perfect by any means. And I wasn’t perfect in it.
I still struggled with my brokenness, the damage done by abuse,
depression brought on by the deaths of parents and dreams, and the
frustrations of unmet (high, perhaps unrealistic) expectations
regarding the team. And all the others in the community brought their
own baggage, brokenness, and unmet expectations into the mix as well.
We banged against each other regularly and cut each other with our
jagged edges at times. But it was still a rich, dynamic time. It broke
my heart when the decision was made to end our Experiment and merge
with the other, already established church. What we created with God
there was unique and special. I have yet to see its equal anywhere.

I
realized recently that what I’ve been looking for in church here in
Nashville ever since is some form of our Living Room Experiment. I think it’s why
I sometimes long for that quiet reverence that can be found in high-er
church forms. There was something incredibly reverent about stripping
away all the eye candy and window decorations of Mosaic LA (the dance
and drama teams, artists creating during the services, loud large bands
and crazy videos and graphics) and getting back to the basics of
communing with God and creating community with and for others.

So today I tip my hat to the fearful and courageous leadership of Josh Shanklin. His fear led to much seeking of God and His
will for our team. And his courage infused us with courage to keep
going; to try to make this experiment work in the face of what would
have devastated and destroyed most church plant teams. I understand the
reasons behind, and the decision of, the merge and I respect both. But
I still sometimes grieve the loss of the Living Room Experiment, and
miss what we created together with God. And sometimes I wish with all
my heart that it had  been able to continue. I think we offered a
powerful alternative to conventional church — to even the Mosaic-LA
model of church — to a city in desperate need of something different.
And I hope one day I’ll get to be a part of creating such a place again.

In the mean time…. I serve at the pleasure of the King, in the place where He has set me for today.

Today he posted a kickin’ video that you just gotta watch. But do yourself a favor, put your headphones on and crank the sound. It. Is. Awesome!!

Aside from the sound, the visual overload of the video, both from the screens and the constantly shifting camera angles, took me on a little ride. It was good, but I realized something the first time I watched. While I’d love to participate in something like that for a worship concert — where it’s just singing and music and some prayer (accompanied by music); just worship — I’m not sure I’d want to "do church" like that every week.

I’m realizing more and more that I long for some of the old — dare I say it? — traditions; the quiet reverence, the sacraments, the sort-of high church feel. I’d probably tire of it after a bit; I don’t think I’m by nature a quiet, calm, traditional worshiper. But for some reason, right now my soul craves that. I crave a chance to sit silently in a sanctuary, get on my knees with others, and take communion in community in the midst of such a holy-feeling place. I will probably shock some with this statement, but sometimes meeting in a movie theatre does, for me, take some of the awe and reverence from the worship experience. If I weren’t such an aesthetic person perhaps that wouldn’t be so, but I am. So I struggle with the environments I find myself in during worship services, and sometimes they just don’t fit with what my spirit is craving.

What about you? What kind of worship services do you like? Is aesthetics, your surroundings, important to you, or doe it not effect you?

I often am curious what impressions first-time visitors to my site have, so sometimes I follow the link they did to my site just to see what they saw. The last post I put under that category was from January 2006, about a little quiz on theological worldviews. At that time I scored 82% as an Emergent/Post Modern. But Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan, was a very close second. So I decided to retake the quiz and see if much had changed. It has, and you can see the results below.

There is still much in the first quiz results with which I agree. I still believe that the Gospel is spread "virally" through relationship more than through "evangelization" and revivals. And I still feel alienated from some older forms of church; chiefly the forms that conjure images of the 40s and 50s, where women have a limited role, men dominate, doctrine and tradition prevail over spirituality and Truth, and where the preaching is either overly dramatic (hellfire/damnation stuff) or overly monotone (and usually focused on exegesis alone) and always in that preacher cadence (you know the one I mean; I swear, they must have a class in seminary just for developing that). I have an allergy to such churches even today.

However, I now find myself with some different priorities. I still am convinced that we followers of Christ have the secret to Abundant Life, and that it is imperative that we share it with everyone who will listen to us. But I find that the essence of what I am compelled to share, and the thing that compels me, is the unbelievable, unfailing love and grace of God. That grace is, to me, preeminent in this thing called Life. It covers us long before we even recognize God’s whispers of love or His constant activity in and around us. It is what covers our sin, drives us to our knees in sorrow and repentance, and breathes fresh Life in us to try again. God’s Grace is what fuels and drives our personal holiness; without it I am convinced we could not be holy; without it we cannot give grace to others when they fail or hurt us.

I’m not theologically or doctrinally trained so I cannot speak much to those issues — the extent of my knowledge comes a little from my dad’s  old Barclay commentaries and my own Matthew Henry commentaries, and a lot from the various teachings of several pastors and teachers (such as Beth Moore, Erwin, Matt Chandler, and Rob Bell) who resonate with my spirit  and my own and others’ experiences with God Himself. But what little I have read on John Wesley’s teachings and focus resonate within my spirit. It is much of what I have come to believe myself. "Methodism" (ie the Methodist church) of today not so much (at least what I know of it), but what I’ve seen of what Wesley said back then I like.

I’m interested in reading more on Wesley’s teachings but I don’t know where to look. So if any of you seminary trained (or just knowledgeable) people out there can recommend books I could read on Wesley’s teachings and writings, please let me know.

Still Loving: Jesus, living in Nashville, and my car (all of them are more amazing and awesome than HDTV!!)

Still Not: liking math

Still Glad: I stepped off the high dive. Life is hard, but so good.

Still Enjoying: my couch (yes, I’m a not-so-closet couch potato; I love my couch!)

Still Doing:  the next right thing, and the next right thing… one step at a time, one day at a time, as God gives me insight.

Still Proud: to be my parent’s daughter; and of my friends, and who they are becoming

Still Amazed: that Life could be this incredibly good.

Still Hoping: that my future will be better than my past

Still Grateful: for everything God has given me — it’s massive!

Still Wanting: to lose the weight I gained the two years I was on anti-depressants

Still Trying: to be polite and kind to the obnoxious people in my life

Still Failing: to not run away and isolate sometimes, when things get hard and the feelings become overwhelming

Still Passionate About: international travel and learning about new cultures; I really, really, really miss traveling overseas!

Still Taking up new things: to worry about. I learned to worry from my mom and haven’t been able to break the habit yet. But I’m hopeful.

Still Dating: myself… every stinkin’ time I open my mouth.

Still Have Not: learned to rock-climb, which I’ve been wanting to do since I moved to Nashville, lo these three years ago.

Still Working: yep. That’s about it. Haven’t become independently wealthy yet. When I do you’ll be the.. well, third or fourth to know.

Still Reading: The Harry Potter series, and about four other books I can’t seem to find the time to finish.

Still Thinking: Our country is in deep doo-doo, but, still, we will survive. It won’t be pretty or pleasant, but we’ll make it through.

Still Wondering: why God created cockroaches. I mean, really, what purpose do they serve, other than grossing me out? — Or are they a product of The Fall? Along with sin we got cockroaches… lovely.

Still Dressing: myself. That’s a good thing… right?

Still To Do: homework-homework-homework

Still Cherishing: my amazing sister, my wonderful friends, and my Beloved Jesus

Still Trying to Never: give up, or give in to fear.

Still Will Aways: Be utterly amazed at God’s unfailing love, unending grace, and unbelievable power — all given to me of all people (!!) as free love-gifts. Talk about the ultimate Valentine’s present!

Still, Still: I need to just be still before God and listen. I don’t spend near enough time just being quiet and still before Him. But those times when I do I realize I need to do that more. I feel more refreshed and ready to take on the (rest of the) day. Yet I still too often forgo that time in favor of sleeping a little later, reading a book, watching television or doing homework.

"Be still, and know that I am God;
       I will be exalted among the nations,
       I will be exalted in the earth."
    Psalm 46:10

Then he said to me: "Son of man, these bones are the whole house of
Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are
cut off.’  Therefore
prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says: O my
people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I
will bring you back to the land of Israel. Then you, my people, will know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves and bring you up from them.
I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in
your own land. Then you will know that I the LORD have spoken, and I
have done it, declares the LORD.’ " Ezekiel 37:11-14

Nearly ten years ago this was the promise God made to me. And 1999 turned out to be the first year I truly knew I was Alive; really Alive, living the Abundant Life. Funny how the Abundant Life more often than not is hard and painful and messy and… gritty. But in the midst of all that it is so good!

Sometimes I feel like I need
To shake myself
To wake myself
I feel like I’m just sleepwalkin’
Through my life
Its like I’m swimming through
An ocean of emotion
But still somehow slowly
Goin’ numb inside
I don’t like who I’m becomin’
I know I’ve gotta do somethin’
Before my life passes right by

As I drove home on New Year’s Day evening from 10 glorious days at my sister’s home, one of my favorite songs came on my iPod: Josh Gracin’s "I Want To Live" and I found myself reflecting back on that promise God gave me in ’98 and once again crying out to Him with the chorus of Gracin’s song:

I want to cry like the rain
Cry like the rain
Shine like sun on a beautiful mornin’
Sing to the heavens like the church bells ringin’
Fight to the devil and go down swingin’
Fly like a bird,roll like a stone
Love like I ain’t afraid to be alone
Take everything that this world has to give
I want to live

Love like I ain’t afraid to be alone. Dang. That. Is. It. That is what I want. I’m so afraid to be alone — still! even now when Jesus has proved so faithful — that I stand at a distance rather than risk investing in new friendships, new relationships with people I may end up falling in love with (and I’m not talking romance here). Haven’t you ever fallen in love with a dear friend (and isn’t that what makes a dear friend "dear"?)? Where you just love everything about them, even the annoying crap? I’ve had maybe a handful of those kinds of friends in my lifetime. Anne of Green Gables called them "bosom friends". I long for one. Yet I fear it too. What if they leave me? What if they die? Then I’ll be alone again. I don’t know if I can handle the pain of death or abandonment again…. Yet my heart yearns for more. I was made for more. I was made for community.

Sometimes I wonder
Why I work so hard to guard my heart
Till I hardly feel anything at all
I’ve spent my whole life building up this ivory tower
And now that I’m in it, I keep wishing it would fall
So I could feel the ground beneath me
Really taste the air I’m breathin’
And know that I’m alive

The cry of my soul is stronger than my fear, it seems. Once again I find myself clinging to God’s promise to Israel, to me, to breathe Life into me that I might Live. Have you ever felt that way? Perhaps not. But for me, there is no going back. I’ve come too far into God’s amazing Abundant Life to let my fears stop me now. So here it is. My wish, my hope, my resolve for 2008. I will pester God until He relents. I want His breath in me. I want Him to  continue to breathe Life into my dry bones so that I will Live an know that God has done it.

I want to cry like the rain
Cry like the rain
Shine like sun on a beautiful mornin’
Sing to the heavens like the church bells ringin’
Fight to the devil and go down swingin’
Fly like a bird,roll like a stone
Love like I ain’t afraid to be alone
Take everything that this world has to give
I want to live

Somethin deep inside
Keeps sayin’
Life is like a vapor
It’s gone in just a twinklin’ of an eye

Lest you think God doesn’t answer, won’t answer, let me tell you that within a few hours of my prayer on highway 74 in North Carolina, I had another real taste of Abundant Living on the 40 (I-40 for all you non-Californians) on the Cumberland Plateau. As I left Knoxville and headed up the mountains it started snow. Beautiful, big dancing flakes swirling in the wind. I was like a little kid on Christmas morning; I love snow!!

Within a few miles there was a dusting of snow everywhere and it continued to fall. Then it fell harder and harder. I lost sight of the lines on the road and even lost sight of everything in front of me altogether a few times. I’ve never driven in snow before, so to say that I was scared out of my mind would be a gross understatement. I was convinced if I stayed on the road I would die, or worse, crash my car. And if I pulled off the road my car would be buried in snow and I’d freeze to death. I watch Lifetime, I know these things happen!

I pulled off the road and called my brother-in-law who calmly talked me down off my emotional ledge, and through how to drive in that kind of mesmerizing, nerve-racking weather. I got back on the road and drove on. I was in constant prayer for over an hour — mainly begging God, "Please make it stop!! You control the weather. You can make it stop!"

After over an hour of following a 16-wheeler and slowly making my way across the Plateau, the snow finally tapered off and stopped. Just in time to head down the mountains into the heart of Middle Tennessee. I had made it! And without wrecking my car!!

But can I tell you? I knew I was Alive. All the way across that Plateau I knew. Now, I don’t need to live every day in that kind of hyper-alertness to know I’m alive — and I reminded God of that as I put the car back in cruise at 70mph and we made our way into Nashville. But it’s in times like that, coming through it with God and with the help of another, that can reconnect with reality, that God has breathed Life in me already; that sinew and muscle and skin is being added to my dry bones every moment of every day. And God is doing it. All I have to do is breathe it in, take the hands of those around me, and Live.

I want to cry like the rain
Cry like the rain
Shine like sun on a beautiful mornin’
Sing to the heavens like the church bells ringin’
Fight to the devil and go down swingin’
Fly like a bird,roll like a stone
Love like I aint afraid to be alone
Take everything that this world has to give
I want to live
I want to take every
Breath I can get 
I want to live!

Happy New Year! May 2008 be filled with joy, adventure, and God’s sweet, gritty Abundant Life.