I freaked out last night. I looked at my budget, which I haven’t lived by in ages. I looked at my credit card charges and balance. I looked at what I still need to buy. I looked at the next few months’ bills and expenses. And I freaked. Money is slipping through my fingers like raw eggs. I can’t catch it or stem the flow.

You are my supply
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
worth living for
And still more awesome than I know

Then I looked around my apartment. Its the perfect size for me. For one person. Which is all that was in the room. Me. And I became once again acutely aware of the depth of loneliness inside me. The silence in the place was deafening. I felt the empty places my parents once occupied, the ache of missing friends and the gut-wrenching hopelessness of life-long singleness. The silence in my heart was too overwhelming. So I wept.

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

It’s an amazing fact that the more comfortable we get in life, the less it takes to unbalance and unhinge us. And I was unhinged last night. I called Nina. It was 11:30pm her time (10:30p mine). As the phone rang I prayed I she wasn’t in bed yet. She wasn’t.

We talked for nearly two hours. I needed just to hear another voice; someone telling me, reminding me, that God is faithful; reminding me I am not alone in my aches and unmet desires and encouraging me to hang in there, that I can live by a budget, regardless how tight the pinch.

You’re my sacrifice
Of greatest price
And still more awesome than I know
You’re my coming King
You are everything
And still more awesome than I know

It’s crazy — how much is enough? I’m earning more than I ever have in my life, yet it still doesn’t seem like enough to cover my dreams. Are they that grandiose? I have friends I can call, yet my heart still cries out, begs for, bleeds for, that special best-friend husband to live out my days with. Do I want too much?

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

My friend, Conna, posted last night about her own freak-out and how God brought her some perspective through another friend. She wrote about Iraq and how she realized how small her problems were in relation to what a woman in Iraq faces each day. She pointed out that we don’t live with a life-and-death reality every day of life. We don’t need to worry that someone is going to shoot at us, try to blow us or those we love up with bombs every moment of the day. How blessed we are to live where and how we do!

More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can see
You are more than enough for me

How is it that I was chosen to be blessed to live where and how I live and not live in war-torn parts of the world? To live a life filled with money and relationship woes rather than life-and-death fears on a daily basis? Is it just "the luck of the draw" or does God have some sort of over-arching criteria determining who lives where — and when, and for how long? I don’t understand. Am I too weak in faith to handle living somewhere else? Or is it more about who I was created to be, and what I can do here, that puts me where I am?

Life so rarely makes sense to me. Even stepping back and getting a global perspective doesn’t help with the questions that swirl. After reading Conna’s post and reflecting on my own life, a song began softly playing over and over in my heart, the chorus echoing in my mind. And my soul finally reminds me its not about me, or all the unanswered questions I have. Its about the love-affair God wants to have with me.

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

So often I forget the truth of these words. I allow my own fears and the whispers of my mind and of the enemy to drown out the soft cries of my soul as it sings this song with conviction. My soul knows what my mind cannot grasp and what my heart will not believe: God is more than enough. God longs to be more than enough for me. God created me to be overwhelmed by His love and His enough-ness. Not out of ego, but out of a crazy passionate love of giving  — giving the unbelievable, providing the impossible and doing the unthinkable. For me.

God is a giver. A crazy, passionate, overly generous, wildly lavish giver. That’s why He’s more than enough. That’s why He gives and blesses and graciously lavishes us with every imaginable gift. That’s why He longs to be more than enough to me. So He can freely give. How wild!

More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can see
You are more than enough for me

"Enough" — by Chris Tomlin