"People do what they want to do. The rest is just excuses." — Tyne Daly, as Maxine Grey on "Judging Amy"

"Do what you want to do. Don’t do what you don’t want to do." — Alex McManus, as my friend, 2001 when I asked for advice on a particular issue of someone wanting me to do something that I really didn’t want to do.

When I pressed him further, Alex simply said, "People often do things because they feel obligated, or because they think it’s what others want them to do, not because they really WANT to do those things themselves…..  Do what you want to do. Don’t do what you don’t want to do."

What strikes me about both statements is the truth within them. They may seem to oppose one another, yet ultimately I believe they don’t. I think people do "do what they want to do" and at the same time, they don’t. They want to please others, so that’s what they do, even though what that leads to is NOT what they want to do.

When I think of all the things I’ve done because I thought others wanted me to, or because I thought it was what I was "supposed" to do, or I thought it was the thing that would get me in good with others…. Oh, the time and energy I’ve wasted! I did those things because I wanted to, but I wanted to for all the wrong reasons. And when I didn’t get what I expected, I felt bitter, resentful, and angry at those from whom I expected something.

Alex’s advice took me by surprise. It’s not at all what you’d expect a pastor-type friend to say. But it has stuck with me ever since. It is now one of the touchstones by which I make my decisions and take action. "What is it I really want to do?" "Do I really want to do this?"

Jesus said, "let your yes be yes and your no be no." In other words, don’t say yes to someone when your heart is really saying no. How many times has my mouth said yes and my heart said no? Far too many to count…

Since receiving Alex’s advice in October 2001, I’ve worked hard to check myself, to check my motives when I act. Over the summer and fall of 2003 I discovered afresh how devastating it can be to a relationship when our mouths make commitments our hearts are not behind. I was a participant in a friendship that was riddled with that behavior, and I was guilty of it myself. It ultimately destroyed the relationship. There is a bitter taste to eating your own words, especially when you’re heart outed you long ago.

In my present relationships — all my relationships — I have made a commitment to God and to myself that I will never let my mouth make commitments my heart is not behind. Better an honest "no, thank you" than a disingenuous "yes I will."