It was a long, dark weekend. Depression Day followed Depression Day… you know, those days when you just can’t get out of bed; so you hide under your covers till way past noon, stay in your pajamas way past afternoon and finally shower around dinner time…

No, perhaps you don’t know.

I don’t understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
give You all of my praise.

There is a darkness that overtakes you. A darkness that is not spiritual, yet impacts your spirit in monumental ways. It obliterates everything in your life, and everything you’ve ever learned. It is all-consuming. It sucks you in and blinds every sense you have. It’s darker than a moonless night, darker than a room with no windows and no lights. The kind of dark where you can’t see your hand even though its an inch from your face. The kind of dark that horror movies are made of

It is a darkness that is profoundly misunderstood by the general Christian public… and even by most well-meaning Christian lay-counselors. Sadly, because of this, most suffer the darkness in silence. Until one day death finally takes them. Or, they hurry death along in their own way.

You hold on to all my pain
with it you are pulling me closer
and pulling me into your ways.

My darkness is inky black. It is filled with sorrow, confusion, guilt and rage. I scream and kick and cry until I’ve spent myself and all that’s left is exhaustion. No one knows I’m raging, no one knows I’m crying, screaming, kicking, spent in sorrow, confusion, exhaustion.

No one knows because no one can see it. No one can see it because it all happens in my soul.

To look at me, you’d probably think I’m tired. Or irritated. Or uninterested. Or perhaps just aloof. I, myself, can hear the chiding voices of previous mentors and counselors. “Now Lu, you can’t let yourself withdraw.” “Get back into the game.” “Just go back and do the last thing you left undone.” “Somewhere you’ve made a wrong choice, chosen a wrong reaction, and now you need to get up, go back to where you left off and go. Go!”

I cannot go. I cannot. I have nothing to give. I have nothing to go to. I cannot see the way to go. Won’t somebody please help me.

Its gonna be worth it,
Its gonna be worth it all,
Its gonna be worth it,
Its gonna be worth it all.

God Speaks. Every day He speaks. Every moment of the day He speaks. He never demands I get out of bed. Never scolds or chides. Never says I’m lazy or a cry baby. Never says I’m weak for withdrawing. For hiding. Never.

God Speaks. In a gentle, loving voice, He says, “it’s okay. You are okay, just as you are. I am in this darkness with you. It’s okay to be here. Don’t try to be something you are not. That’s not living in integrity. Don’t try to pretend you’re happy and that all is well inside you when it’s not.”

“We’ll get through this,” He says. “We’ll get through this together.”

You hold on to all my pain
with it you are pulling me closer
and pulling me into your ways.

How can the God of all creation, the God who has all power and all might in the palm of His hand… Who watches over every living creature… How can He care so much for little me? Why does He care?

All my life… All I had, all I thought was mine, all I thought was my life… it’s all been demolished. I stand in the ruins of me. Not just of my life. But the ruins of ME.

Yet God daily uses this destruction and pain to create deep intimacy between us… intimacy I never knew was possible. In that space, He reveals to me the depth of His gentleness. And patience. And love.

Now around every corner
up every mountain
I’m not looking for crowns
or water from fountains
I’m desperately seeking, frantic believing
that the sight of Your face
is all that I’m needing.

His love. His gentleness. His enduring compassion draws me in. It creates in me a need. Or perhaps it only awakens a need I’d always had.

Either way, I need to see His face. More than I need His praise. More than I need His power. More than I crave His word. I’m desperate for His presence. To see HIS face, feel HIS touch. To see Him in my mind’s eye and know He is here. Right now.

I will say to you then:
Its gonna be worth it,
Its gonna be worth it,
Its gonna be worth it all,
I believe it.
All my pain and all my joy,
It’s gonna be worth it

Is this enough? Is this enough to live for? Am I not supposed to have a mission? A purpose? Goals and objectives and various ways to use my “gifts” and “talents” for God? Is it enough to say, “it will be worth it. One day, all this crap will be worth it.”

I can’t find anything to live for. All I look for is Jesus. His sweet presence. That’s the only thing I want anymore. The only thing I can think of. The only thing I can “see” in this pitch black inky darkness. I cling to Him and will all the strength I have in me, I believe.

Its gonna be worth it,
Its gonna be worth it all,
Its gonna be worth it,
Its gonna be worth it all.

Worth It All written By Rita Springer, from her album “Effortless”