I walked into the Convivium Wednesday night thirsty; in desperate need of a community to come along side me and just love on me. What I walked into was a gathering of of like-minded people. What I got was a business meeting. What I left with was a heart even heavier and thirstier than when I went in.

What do you do when your ministry team isn’t a community? Should I even be looking to them for that? Am I expecting too much from them? Should I be looking for my friendships and companionships elsewhere?

Should I even be in ministry right now? I mean, look at me. I’m a mess. I’m struggling with depression, on anti-depressants, in counseling…. I can’t even give a hundred per cent at my office because I can’t focus, can’t sleep, can’t….

No one is getting my best. No one here is seeing me at my best. I just don’t have it to give. I try my hardest, but it’s just not there… what I know I’m capable of, it just won’t come. And I feel all the sadder, because no one is getting to see the best of me.

The exhilaration of life I felt just last weekend as I drove over the mountains and soaked up all the beauty and majesty of Tennessee and the Carolinas has vanished. I remember what it felt like, but I no longer feel it.

But I still feel God’s presence. Like a mother hen gathering her chicks, He gathers me under His wing and holds me close. No answers. No insight. No words, except a whispered, “oh, my sweet, sweet child! It’s okay. I’m here.”

He never disappoints. Never. Everyone else around does, at some point. Most not maliciously, or even consciously. It’s just the nature of us humans.

But God, He’s not human. He took the form of one once… but not the shape. He doesn’t act like us at all. He never disappoints. Never.