A migraine hit about 10:30 this morning and hasn’t abated since.

Perhaps that’s the reason my mind has been mired down in negativity all day. I was drowning in a cesspool of thoughts and didn’t know how to get out.

“Self-talk”, the psychologists call it… negative self talk filled my mind all day. Every mistake I made, I berated myself. Every decision I made was second-guessed, and ultimately found lacking by my petulant mind.

Perhaps it was also the migraine that caused me to forget to get clarification before setting out to complete any given tasks. This failure inevitably led to at least a dozen trips up and down the elevator from the 2nd floor to 5th floor to lobby and back again. The last trip I made, it was all I could do to laugh and share a knowing look with the guard, with whom I had just shared my afternoon elevator saga, when the president told me to just put what I had come down to get, again, “in his office”…. which is on the 5th floor, where I had just come from….

But after that last trip, I was done. I stared at my computer, knowing there were things I needed to be doing. But I couldn’t get my mind to engage in anything but mudslinging.

It’s an odd thing to know your mind is waging war on your own psyche. Aren’t they all supposed to be working together? They are all a part of one body, why is one attacking the other? And how does one go about making peace with…. one’s own self?

I know the verses that talk about “taking every thought captive…” but I felt powerless to do so. It flowed so effortlessly from some deep reservoir of my mind. One I didn’t even know existed… I don’t think. And one that seems to have a limitless supply.

I cried out to God. Often. But all I could think to say was, Help me! Sometimes I’d hear a whisper not to listen, not to believe… but it all felt so true, looked so true… how could it be a lie? I don’t know how to fight thoughts like that. Even though I’ve been a follower of Christ for too many years to believe, and even though my relationship with Him is the most intimate it’s ever been, I just can’t seem to conquer this mountain. Once the landslide begins, I don’t know how to stop it, and eventually it buries me.

And I was buried deep. The negative “self talked” flowed freely all day. It wasn’t until I crossed the threshold of my home that it quit. Now isn’t that a strange thing…? It’s as if my mind had finally run out of nagging words, so it got quiet. Just shut up. Now all that’s left is the pain…. and the “leaded-limb” feeling the medicine I take for migraines brings.

I can’t wait to lay my head on my pillow and put this day behind me. I feel beat up, battle weary, sucked dry of life. Even now I can feel my focus slipping from me as the medication finally kicks… the Colts are playing on Monday Night Football. Adria’s yelling at the television — somehow she thinks the Colts will hear her and respond. My PowerBook feels warm on my lap. My head still hurts, but all is quiet in my mind. At last.