Not much time to post this week. It’s the week before the presidential elections (for those of you living in a cave…) and the organization I’m temping for is very actively involved in the process —- and I work in the Public Relations department –read, dealing with the press — which means things are cranked up a bunch of notches. It’s fun. I’m likin’ it — a lot! — but it’s also very crazy-busy.

But I have to tell you what happened tonight.

In my friend Wendy’s blog, we’ve been having a great discussion on what it really means to "speak the truth in love" (Eph 4:15 — "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ."). It’s a really interesting conversation. I encourage you to check it out… but a quick warning too. If you think my posts are long, watch out for Wendy! She’s a woman after my own heart… and fingers…

I won’t go into the whole discussion except to say that I’ve had people in my life use that verse as an excuse to "confront" me "in love" about things they perceived as "sin" in my life. Sadly, I myself have been guilty of using that verse for the same purposes.

As I’ve walked through the last year… and especially the last few months, one thing that God keeps driving home to me is to be honest with others about who I am, where I’m at and what’s going on inside me. And as I read through various passages on speaking truthfully, God drove that point home time and again. Live truthfully. Be honest with others about myself. If something bugs me or frustrates me, just be honest, without trying to find some Biblical principle that is being violated as a means of justifying my point of view. Why can’t I just say, that just bugs me, please don’t do that around me.  …???? Why do I feel such a need to play Holier-Than-Thou??

Then Sunday night arrived. John changed things up and surprised us with an "adventure" that was meant to make us uncomfortable — and hopefully shove most of us out of our comfort zones.

It worked. I was frustrated, to the point of anger and nearly in tears. I wanted to just go hang out at the park, eat food and listen, like we’d been doing for a couple of months now. Instead, I found myself in a car with Lindsey, on my way to Borders to "meet at least one, and as many as three, people". To what end, I wondered? For what purpose?? It’s one thing to plan an evangelistic event, another to plan a cultural learning event… but this felt like neither… and I was lost. Without a task, I just don’t quite know what to do with myself. A task gives me a purpose for doing… whatever it is I’m doing. I didn’t completely know that about myself until Sunday.

And besides, I talk to people all the time. Every place I go, I end up in conversations… I can’t decide if it’s my mom’s influence on me, or dad’s for that matter, my cultural learning training from my numerous times overseas that kicks in, or just God’s imprint on my life… but I just can’t help myself but chat with whomever is serving me at Starbucks, the checker at the store, the people around me as I shop… even people I pass on the street. So, what the heck?!?! Why was John forcing me to go out and do something I already do, and talking as if it’s something new. Ugh!

But God kept whispering to me that perhaps my attitude wasn’t as warranted as I thought… perhaps He wanted to do something… perhaps Lindsey needed this exercise… perhaps… perhaps…

I couldn’t help myself… the first person we decided to engage, I was into it and getting to know him before I even realized what I was doing. The next person I thought I’d hang back, see if Lindsey engaged… She tried, but floundered. I jumped in and off we went into really interesting stuff about Sharon… cool woman. I could relate to her and honestly, I think I fell a little in love with her (a little in love… is there such a thing as a little in love????). Third person same song. I saw patterns and themes emerging. My heart expanded, and filled with both the excitement and pain of new love.

Dang it! This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was supposed to have a lousy time so I could feel justified in my frustration. It just added to my overall frustration over the evening.

We met back at Fido for dinner and some talk. Events conspired against us. The normally dead-on-Sunday-evening Fido was bustling with activity. It was hard to hear. The food was too expensive and I had no cash. A headache developed from not eating. My frustration returned.

And didn’t abate throughout the week. I prayed. But every prayer turned into another rant. I wanted to talk to John. But the more I thought about it, the angrier I got… I don’t even know fully why…. I felt left out. I felt unknown. I felt misunderstood. I felt under-utilized — no, I felt not utilized at all. Feeling cascaded over feeling, dropping down in a crazy waterfall of emotions. What the heck was going on??? Can I just chalk it up to PMS and be done with it??? Nope.  That didn’t work either. I built argument upon argument in my mind of what "Biblical principles" were not being followed and how my needs weren’t being met because of it… and I was gonna "speak the truth in love", doggonit.

Then tonight arrived. The appointed time (every other Wednesday evening) for our "Convivium" (I have no idea if I’m spelling that right), our team meeting, And I had a spiritual epiphany. I discovered what speaking truthfully and speaking that truth in love really looks like. And how much it can accomplish. And how amazingly liberating it is.

First, let me say I’d circled the neighborhood for a half hour because I was early and I just wasn’t ready to go in… something was burdening my heart and I needed time to get to the root of its cause. I realized the cause was that I missed God. My spirit was ravenously hungry for Him. This discovery was quite on accident. I’d popped in a cd Ron and Leticia recorded for me and the songs took me straight to God’s throne, like the aroma of fresh hot popcorn compels you to find the source. I sat in a nearby parking lot, listening, singing, just being alone with God. Finally, He nudged me to go… I was late now.

Perhaps that time helped me release some frustration… Perhaps what I really needed was to connect with the heart of God, instead of running from it… perhaps it was the fact that during our team meeting we just spent time really getting real and opening up to each other, for the first time, really. I don’t know… But whatever it was, I felt free enough to bring up my frustration over Sunday’s adventure in a way I’d not even considered doing, and hadn’t done in a long time. Instead of pulling out my Bible and using it as a weapon, I was just honest about my experience and my personal frustration.

It opened up doors to a full-on conversation where I learned a lot, gained a different perspective, understood the situation better and came to trust John and his leadership more, and respect him more deeply as well.

I’m still in awe over the whole experience. I wish I could say I had something to do with all this. But I know I didn’t. I had no intention of approaching the subject that way — if I approached it all. God did it. He did it all. All I did was take an opportunity that presented itself, took a deep breath and opened my mouth. God did the rest. The words, the attitude, the tone of voice… the honesty… none of it was what I’d planned or rehearsed in my head.

There are times in my life where I feel like I just received a kiss on the cheek from God. Tonight is one of those moments.

What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.
    Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry–but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life….
       Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift. — Ephesians 4:25-26, 29 (The Message)