I had the strangest dream this morning. I dreamt about two men I’ve never met, but had crushes on a various times in my life.

The most recent crush was getting married, and somehow I found myself at the wedding. My heart was breaking far more than I could believe as I watched the ceremony unfold and realized this man was now out of my grasp forever. It hurt so deeply I couldn’t breath. I felt like I would die from the ache, the longing. I watched closely to see the woman he had chosen. While not extraordinary, she was beautiful. But at the same time, rather normal. That is, she was a little overweight and, while she carried it well, her “rolls” could be seen.

He, however, was radiant. He seemed calmer, more contented than I’d ever seen him. It was obvious she was the woman he needed; the One he’d been looking for and was finally at peace now that he’d found.

I was filled with conflicting emotions. The aching still swelled deep within, but at the same time I felt very happy and pleased for him. He had found what all we singles long to find, and it showed in every corner of his countenance.

As the peaceful couple made their way out of our presence, the second man entered the picture. He’s one I hadn’t had a crush on in quite some time, though I still find him quite handsome and desirable. We were in a group, a “team” in a way, planning and coordinating some sort of event. As we went through the day, our relationship blossomed into quite a friendship, joking and talking and having a wonderful time connecting. The end of the day came and he gave each person a hug, including me! I realized I had made it into his “inner circle”. This man was my friend, and he counted me as one of his. I knew there would be nothing more than friendship, but that was more than enough for me; more than I’d ever thought possible. As we walked toward the doors, arms around each other, I felt so blessed.

This is the point where I woke up, the mixture of feelings still powerfully swirling within. Blessed. Aching. Left behind, and yet at the same time included.

Dreams are important to me. I’ve learned to pay close attention to them because so often I’ve found significant meaning in them. Granted, there are times when I just ate too many mangos, or watched something a little too weird for my mind to process in the cognitive realm, and thus I develop the equivalent of subconscious diarrhea.

But more often than not, my dreams betray the inner workings of my soul, my deeper, more powerful emotions trapped inside a heart afraid to feel. And more than that, they are also a playground, a blank canvas-wall on which God can paint His message loud and clear. That usually happens because I’ve been too busy, or stubborn, to hear Him in the waking world — or I’m just plain in stick-my-fingers-in-my-ears-I-can’t-hear-You! mode. I have examples of the latter, but I’ll save them for other posts.

This morning’s dream continues to intrigue and mystify me. Who, or what, I wonder, have I lost forever? It is my dad and mom? Am I finally reaching that point of “acceptance with joy” this loss that leaves a permanent aching hole in my heart? I am happy and pleased for them that they are now in the arms of their loving Lord. I know they’re at peace, contented having finally found what they were looking forward to for so long. And at the same time, I miss them with a pain and longing I never knew possible. Happy for them. Sad for me. Is this the “man” lost to me forever in my dream?

And who, or what, have I found? Is it Nashville? The team here? Or something else? I confess, I feel like I’m living a dream right now. I know reality will set in at some point. It always does. What seems like a dream eventually turns into at the least, “the daily grind”. Sometimes it turns into a nightmare. Please, God, I’ve had enough nightmares over the last couple years! Please let this one be a dream come true for at least a little longer… and transformed into nothing worse than “the daily grind.”

Of course, all this emotional melodrama my mind is currently running through may be nothing more than the after effects of watching too many episodes of “Stargate SG1” before going to bed….